How To Be Confident And Congruence Around Women (With Practical Exercises)
In my opinion, confidence is actually quite overrated. Everyone talks about confidence as though it’s the one magic key to success with women, and in life.
“Just be confident”
“Oh he’s so confident”
“Women like confidence”
“I’m just not confident”
It is not enough to be confidence around women only but you should learn how to become a confident person in general.
When we think of confidence, we tend to think of a guy who just naturally wakes up with this certainty that he can do anything. But most often, that’s just not the case. The guys that are great with women, simply have more experience than you. For the most-part, that’s it. Sure, there are some guys who’ve just always been comfortable and confident around women. Something in their biology, or neurology, or upbringing, or a combination of the above – whatever it is, they never had any issues meeting and dating women. But they are few and far between. Most guys aren’t good with women (ironically, even if they’re dating one), and most of the guys who are good with women, had to get good. They weren’t born that way. And I’ve coached many guys who were exceptionally confident in other areas of their lives, but as soon as I asked them to go and talk to a woman, they crumbled. So even the confident guys, still have to develop confidence in this area. How an alpha male approaches women is different than a normal guy.
Don’t Wait Until You Feel Confident Around Women
One of the biggest pieces of advice that I can give you, is to not wait until you feel confident to take action. Instead, choose to be congruent (i.e. be the real you) and courageous. Courage is just a decision to try, and that’s what it’s all about, that’s what will get you results. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s feeling the fear and still doing it anyway (as cliché as that is). Courage is deciding to still take steps forward, even just small steps, to get closer to what you want – even if you aren’t even sure where or what that is yet. Deciding to be courageous, and letting yourself be congruent, is what breeds real confidence. You can’t just decide one day to be confident. This is why “Just be confident” is useless dating advice. You can’t choose your emotions (for the most-part), but you can choose your actions. You can decide to be courageous and give that approach a shot. You can decide that the potential outcome is worth the effort and the pain. You can decide to try and try again, even if you don’t feel confident in what you’re doing.
If you wait until you feel confident, you won’t get anything done. You likely won’t even get started. Confidence will come only after you’ve taken enough action that you get comfortable. You develop confidence through taking small steps consistently, through making repeated attempts.
Congruence – Being The Real You
‘Congruence’ is when you’re being real with yourself, and being real with the people that you’re interacting with. A very common issue that I see, is guys feeling the need to be high energy, or interesting, or cocky, or funny, or whatever, in order to attract women. They feel that they need to be something. But you don’t need to be anything other than you. You need to get comfortable with being the real you – the you who accepts and likes yourself, the you who is ok with the fact that some people might not like you, the you that knows that you have something to offer despite your flaws, the you who is willing to fuck up and be vulnerable. Despite all the bullshit dating advice out there, you can definitely get success with women by just being yourself. The women that are perfect for you, and the women that you’ll end up dating, will be very similar to you. They’ll resonate with you, they’ll respond well to you (when you find them), because you’re similar to them, you’re familiar with them, all on some deep level. In other words, they’re compatible with you.
Fake confidence is very see through and it’s a turn off. Women don’t want a guy putting on a show – it comes off as desperate, try-hard and untrustworthy. Trying to be someone that you’re not indicates to others right away that you have low self-value. And yes, they can tell. Trying to act confident, ironically, will make you appear unconfident. It’ll be clear to others that you don’t think that you’re enough as you are. And if you don’t think that you’re enough, is she going to? Remember, women are biologically wired to be attracted to men who are stronger and more secure than they are (which is what you’re aiming to develop in yourself), and men who can be themselves and be happy with themselves. So how she feels about you will largely be a reflection of how you feel about yourself.
Yes, confidence is attractive – in both men and women – but when you’re starting out, having the courage to try to approach, and the willingness to just be yourself (whatever she thinks of that), I think are much more important than “confidence”. So don’t try to be something that you aren’t. Trust me, I’ve seen guys of every disposition get great girls – loud guys, quiet guys, outgoing guys, reserved guys, high energy guys, low energy guys, funny guys, serious guys. You might think that you’re too shy, or too nervous, or too boring – but all of that’s just stemming from an overall low self-esteem. It’s not that you’re not funny enough, or not that you’re not outgoing enough, it’s that you’re not feeling enough as you are, and that other people are better than you, and that their opinion of you is more important than it is. This general lack of self-esteem is what people are reacting to, WAY more than any of the stuff that you think they’re reacting to. I’ve seen it many times – a guy trying to be funny, cocky, aloof, high-value, etc. and getting nowhere. He doesn’t realise that he’s trying too hard to be something that he isn’t, and that’s repelling women. They’re know something isn’t right. They’re picking up on (and responding to) his own deep sense of low value. They’re just following his lead.
A lot of this is deep-seated in our subconscious – from past experiences and from childhood. All it maybe took to create these deep negative complexes in you, were a few instances where you didn’t feel that you were enough as a kid, or where you couldn’t live up to family expectations, or where you were really hurt after showing vulnerability, or you were picked on in school, or a girl told you that you were ugly, or an ex cheated on your – whatever. The emotional impact from these events, then continue to snowball into full-blown belief systems. As adults looking back, we often regard these past events as trivial and nothing to worry about, but as kids or when we’re in highly emotional states, these events and the feelings that go along with them can be hugely influential in shaping our personalities.
So while you’re trying to get better in the area of women and dating, try also to become aware of your inner ‘stuff’ – your demons, your insecurities, your emotional drivers. If you can deal with them, and come to peace with them, accepting them as a part of you, then everything around you and everyone around you (including your success with women), will begin to change seemingly automatically. I once coached a guy who had always struggled with women, and who had also always had an overbearing controlling mother. One night during the workshop, he decided to call his mother to really express his true feelings. A few weeks later, he had a girlfriend. I don’t think that was coincidence. Without looking inside to see what’s driving you emotionally, a lot of your attempts with women will just continue to get you no results. It’d be like walking around a desert, trying to find your way out, with a broken compass.
1. Your Value & Attractiveness Concerns
Write in your journal the top five reasons why you feel that a woman might not be attracted to or interested in you. These could be that you’re (or you think you’re) short, bald, old, unattractive, boring, shy, not cool enough, still live with your parents, broke – whatever.
Now write out what experience/experiences these concerns may have come from. Did a girl once tell you that she doesn’t like short men? Did you get rejected once by a woman who said you were too old? Have you always felt that you are just not an interesting person? Do you feel that your conversation is boring because it looks like everyone else is having a better time than you? Maybe you’ll find that you just adopted the belief really without any real-world experience. Just write down why you think this about yourself, and what happened to make you arrive at that conclusion.
Now look at the validity of each of these beliefs. How true and universal are they really? Are there no short guys out there dating beautiful women? Is there not an overweight guy out there having great sex with an attractive woman?
Yes, some of these are undeniable. For instance, yes, women generally prefer taller guys, as well as men with a healthy head of hair, and men with good incomes, etc. To deny this completely is just living in denial, which is not helpful. However, do all girls rule out a short guy? No. Do all girls rule out a guy because he’s bald? No, you can trust your bald author on that one. Do some women even prefer older guys? Or younger guys? Yes. Would some girls maybe even like that you have more free time than the average 9-5 corporate worker? Yes.
Just look at how truly valid and universal your concerns are. Maybe you think that you’re boring because one person told that you were. One person. This is definitely not a representation of all women. I see this a lot with my clients who have made assumptions about themselves, and formed entire belief networks, from ONE experience. One woman in the past may have asked how much money he earned and that morphed into all women being gold diggers. Or one girl in school laughed at him when he told her that he liked her, and now he thinks that you can’t show interest in a woman, or that he’s not attractive enough.
Note – it’s very important that you don’t use this as an excuse to not improve yourself. If you’re overweight, for instance, then get working on that (and not just to be better with women). I’m just saying to not be so harsh on yourself. Don’t let your concerns and insecurities stop you pursuing success in this area. Everyone has insecurities, everyone. But attitude trumps everything. There a so many guys who use these excuses to not even try – “I’m too this, I’m too that, women don’t like men who are this, women want men who are that” etc.
So really dig around in your mind and think about why you think this about yourself, where it came from, how valid is it, and if you’ll let it stop you.
And now I want you to write out something that you have to balance out each of these concerns. For example, if you’re short, what do you have to balance that out? Maybe you have an awesome sense of humour, maybe you dress really well, maybe you’re killing it financially, maybe you have an awesome body.
The most obvious upside to me for all of these ‘shortcomings’ is that you’ll have to work harder. You work harder = you grow more = you become more awesome. But try to find counter arguments to your own concerns. What do you have going for you that can supersede the “issues” that you feel affect how women see you? Come up with at least one counter argument for each of your concerns. We tend to dwell so much on our negative traits that we overlook our positive traits. And especially in the face of ‘rejection’ we tend to automatically think that it was because of what we don’t like about ourselves, when it might not be that at all. If you’re sensitive about your ethnicity, and a girl rejects you – automatically you’ll likely think it’s about your ethnicity. But really it could have been any one of a variety of things. If a girl checks her phone during a conversation, and you’re sensitive about feeling boring, then you’ll automatically assume that she’s bored. Again, she could be checking any number of things. A girl once ‘rejected’ a client of mine, and as he was walking off, she mentioned that her grandfather had just died that morning. If she hadn’t mentioned that at the last second, he certainly would have felt that it was something to do with him.
So it’s time that you start paying more attention to your positive traits, and the positive things that you do have going on. What can you offer women? This is like your ammunition going into the dating world. You need to know what you have going for you. And you also need to make the decision as to whether you’re going to let your “negative” traits stop you from reaching success. For every single issue that you have, there are men out there with that exact issue, and who are still making it work. Some of the best guys that I know are short, or ethnic, or are living with their parents, or are bald, or live far from any city, etc. Every man is some woman’s type. I repeat – every single one of you, is some girl’s type.
2. Approaching Exercise – Make People Feel Good
Here is your first actual ‘approaching’ exercise. However, it’s not about picking up or getting a date, and it’s not about talking to cute women. In fact, it’s not even about you.
Something that I see way too often, is new guys out approaching women and thinking ‘me, me, me’ – “I want the approach to go well, I want the phone number, I want a date, I want sex”. It’s a very vulture like mentality. They’re thinking of only themselves and what they can get from people. And because of this, most never go well because people feel their neediness. So for your first approaches, I want you to make it entirely about other people. I want you to get into the habit of making other people feel good. If this sounds cliché – so be it. How I want you to do this, is by going out and complimenting five unattractive women. These can be older women, or just women that you’re not in any way attracted to. And I don’t want you to do this just as some requirement, I want you to legitimately get into it. Take the focus off you and your issues.
You can complement them on something that they’re wearing, something that you notice about them, something they’re doing – anything at all. Your mission here is to just make them smile/feel good. And if they don’t, that’s completely fine – that’s on them. They can be people that you walk past, people in the supermarket, people at a bus stop, wherever. “Excuse me, I just really wanted to say that I like your (whatever)” – that’s it (in your own words). You don’t need to stay and chat, you’re just giving someone an honest compliment. And please, don’t do weird creepy shit. This isn’t some game, this is about trying to make someone’s day a little brighter, and about you learning that your own issues aren’t really that bad. If you try your best and the women don’t react well, again, that’s fine. You might also like reading how to become attractive.
Life is not all about you, and dating is certainly not all about you. Get some good karma under your belt (I think karma is bullshit, but you know what I mean). Ultimately, if you can’t make a person that you aren’t attracted to happy, then what makes you think that you can make someone that you are attracted to happy. If you can’t say hello and give a compliment to a sweet old lady that you need nothing from, what are the chances that you’ll be able to approach an attractive woman that you want to date?