As a coach, one thing that really drives me crazy is when a guy works up the balls to approach, and the interaction goes well, but then he just walks away without asking for her phone number. If you’re in the interaction, you’ve already done the hardest part (the approach), so if you’ve struck it lucky with a girl responding well to you – don’t just walk off. Remember, if you’re having a good chat, and she’s single, then she likely wants the same thing as you, so don’t disappoint the both of you by not asking her out. The worst-case scenario is that she says no, vs. the best-case scenario – she changes your life. It’s worth the risk.

No Pressure

Asking for a phone number doesn’t have to be complicated. You don’t have to have done or said specific things in order to be allowed to ask for it, and you don’t have to have spoken to her for a specific amount of time. It really doesn’t take much, it’s as simple as saying something like “Well I need to get back to my shopping. But you seem really cool, do you want to grab a drink sometime?”

Personally, I don’t like to ask women out for a “date” per-se because I believe that one of the main concerns for a woman giving out her phone number is that many guys can get desperate, weird, and can’t take no for an answer. They start texting too much and putting pressure on her to meet up, often falling in love after just one date, leaving the girl having to get rid of them and hurting them. So you want to be a little more chilled out and not trigger that potential concern in her. You really want to get to a place where you’re legitimately not too bothered if she isn’t interested in going out with you, as this’ll really come through – she won’t feel any pressure. And also with that mindset, you’ll be in a significantly better place mentally for dates. It is easy to feel when to ask a girl for her number.

Just Ask

If the interaction is going well, just ask her out, ask for her phone number. It doesn’t really matter how, if she likes you, she’ll agree, if she doesn’t, she either won’t (or give you a flaky number). Something specific that I would advise when getting a number is to justify asking for it. That’s to say, you don’t want to be talking about avocados in the fresh food section of a supermarket and then out of nowhere say “Can I have your number?” Instead, finish the conversation with something like “Ok I’d better let you get back to your shopping, but it’s been nice talking to you. I know this is a bit random, but could I interest you in a drink sometime?” or – “Well good luck with your shopping. You seem really cool. Are you on Facebook maybe?”

You can also get a girls number over email or facebook.

Common Problems With Getting Phone Numbers

There can be many problems let’s discuss them.

Thinking That There’s A Checklist

Many guys think that there’s some kind of ‘conversational checklist’ that they must get through before they’re allowed to ask for a number. They think that they have to have built attraction, created interest, built rapport, etc. before they should ask. Nope! It’s actually not necessary. If you like her and you’re having a decent conversation, and you feel that there’s some mutual interest there – simply ask. Let go of your ego, stop being so precious, stop overcomplicating it, and just ask. Again, if she’s happily chatting with you, and she’s single, she may be wanting you to ask. However, you MUST to be ok if she says no. Don’t push, don’t persist. Again, this is not a “shit test”. Just move on. You had a great chat with a random beautiful woman. Go you! That’s awesome. If it ends there, that’s still great work. Now just go and do it again with someone else. If you suspect you are being tested by a women here is how to pass tests women throw at men.

Conversation Validation

Guys very often start to feel so good from the interaction itself that they don’t want to risk losing that good feeling by asking for a phone number and potentially getting rejected. Ironically, so many guys would actually rather walk away from a great interaction thinking “That went really well” than to go that little bit further and see if they can make a date of it. I couldn’t count how many times a client has returned to me from a good chat, I’ve made him go back and ask for her number – “Hey I was just leaving and I thought I should come and ask if you might want to grab a drink sometime?” – and he has gotten it. A good conversation is a fantastic outcome when you’re new, but if you never ask for phone numbers, then you’re never going to see any of these women again. And besides all the growth that’s happening when you approach, meeting some lovely ladies is kinda the point of all of this.

Time Frame

Guys very often think that they need to talk to a girl for a specific amount of time (i.e. a long time) before they’re allowed to ask her out, or ask for her phone number (or Facebook). But this is just not true. I’ve dated women that I’ve spoken to for literally two minutes before getting their number. Again, so much of the result comes down to her – if she’s open to meeting someone at that time, and if you fit her type, it’ll very likely be on. And she has decided if she likes you or not in under a minute, generally. That’s not to say to rush the conversation and try to get the phone number as soon as possible – this’ll lead to you getting a lot of flakes (where she doesn’t contact you back) – but if you’ve had a chat for a few minutes with a cute girl on the street, and you feel that it’s coming to an end, just ask her out – “Ok I have to get back to my friend. Hey this is a random question I know, but do you want to catch up sometime and continue this chat?”

Instant-Dates

An alternative to getting a phone number is an ‘instant-date’. This is exactly as it sounds – when you go and do something with the girl then and there, right after meeting her. It’s a date, that’s instant. This is particularly great for travellers who often are just wandering around not doing much, and also for woman who are just not up to much that day. You can go grab a coffee with her, show her something in the city, even just walk around with her. If you’re having a good conversation, and you’ve gathered that this girl isn’t up to much in particular, or has some time to kill, you can ask something like “Hey if you’re not doing anything right now, I was just going to grab a coffee if you want to come?”

Yes, this really is very possible, and something that I’ve seen many of my clients do many times. I’ll often see new clients walk away from a great conversation with a girl who appears to not be doing anything, so I’ll send them back to ask if she’d like to do something. And often enough, to their amazement, the girl happily agrees and off they go. When you’re new to this, you’ll miss a lot of these opportunities simply because you’ll have never considered it to be possible. You won’t ask for the girl’s phone number because getting a phone number from a girl that you spoke with on the train for five minutes, just doesn’t seem possible. Going on an instant-date with a girl who is on her work lunch break just seems crazy. But you have to start reconditioning your mind and looking for these opportunities.

Obviously, don’t ask her for an instant-date immediately. Just like asking for phone numbers, don’t become so obsessed with the idea that that’s all you focus on in the interaction. Just chat with her as normal, as if you’re both going to walk away at the end, then if it’s going well and you’ve established that you both aren’t up to much, just ask if she would like to do something. Don’t push for it. Again, focus on the conversation and connection itself. Instant-dates are rare, so don’t be thinking of them in every interaction. Most of the time, the woman that you’re talking to will be out doing something, however you need to learn how to spot the opportunity when it is there.

Also, instant-dates aren’t necessary. They aren’t something that you need to learn how to do. You’ll do just fine getting phone numbers. Personally, I don’t like instant-dates. I much prefer to get numbers because if I’m out and about, that means I’m doing something (mostly coaching). But I do know many guys who prefer instant-dates if the opportunity is there. You should read how to get a date instantly.

Don’t Be The Creep

I really need to point out something that’ll be obvious to most of you. In regards to instantdates, do NOT be that creepy guy that invites himself along to wherever she’s going, or the guy that just starts walking with her, etc. This is not what an instant-date is. There’s no pressure on an instant-date. It’s something that you’ve mutually agreed upon. It needs to be very clear that you’re doing something together. Invite her along with you, don’t invite yourself along with her. This should be obvious, and I’m sure that it is to most of you, but I really want to clarify it as I’ve seen it enough times where a guy approaches a girl, doesn’t read her signs of disinterest, and then says something like “Cool, well I will walk you to the train station” Just – no.

Summary

It’s your job as the man to initiate things. This is not just an evil societal thing, women are wired to be attracted to men who take control of situations. Don’t just walk off if you’re having a good chat – ask for her out, ask for her phone number, invite her out somewhere. Take the risk. Put your balls on the line. This ability to take a chance is very attractive to women. She’ll likely think more of you for just having a crack – even if she says no. You’ve done the hard work, and it’ll be essentially for nothing if you walk away from it. Again, sure there’s the growth which is awesome, but wouldn’t growth and a date be good?

Remember, if you’re getting along, she likely wants the same thing as you. Maybe she’s just being friendly to you, or maybe she hasn’t had sex in a year. She wants you to ask. Dating is just as much a pain in the arse for women as it is for men.

So it doesn’t matter how you word it, it doesn’t matter if it comes out wrong, just be sure to end all good interactions by asking the girl out. I know many guys who are great at approaching and conversation, but their ego prevents them from taking it that step further. I’ve also seen plenty of women disappointed by guys not asking for phone numbers. Again, the worst-case scenario is that she says no. What a tragedy! I’m sure that you can deal with that. Getting a “No” and walking off knowing that you did all that you could, is much better than walking away wondering who she could have been. Leadership is of of the key qualities women like in a man.

Here are your next steps:

Create Your Closing Line

I want you to write out a very generic way that you can ask for a phone number in any day situation – something that you can memorise. I know that I said that it doesn’t matter how you word it, and to not focus on what specifically to say, which is 100% true, but again – that’s the place that you want to get to. As you get better, you won’t need this, but when you’re new, leaving a good conversation because you didn’t know how to ask is highly likely. So you might benefit from having something memorised.

An example might be simply “It was nice meeting you. I need to get back to (X). But could I invite you out for a coffee sometime?” Yes, it can be that simple. However, I want you to write it out in words that feel congruent to you. To some people “coffee” might sound lame, to others, that sounds fine – so use your own words. It won’t affect the outcome. Make sure that it’s something simple and something generic so that you can use it in all situations. Then commit it to memory.

Practice Interaction

Now, run through the whole structure of your hypothetical interaction. Start with one of the day openers that you wrote out, then a couple of the generic questions that you wrote out, and then your closing line. Practice this for a few minutes, ideally aloud to yourself.

Again, I need to stress that this is not something that you will always need to do. In fact, memorised lines in the long-run work against you, but to “just do it” when you’re completely new is rather idyllic advice. These few memorised lines are a simple base foundation for you to get started. You’ll likely go out and find yourself in interactions where you don’t even use any of this, which is great – but at least you have that backbone of an interaction there if you need to fall back on it. And don’t go into interactions determined to stick with your script – just fall back on it if and when you need it (i.e. when your mind goes blank).

Many of you reading this are likely well beyond this homework activity, which is awesome. Like I’ve said, take from the articles here what you find handy and skip what you don’t. I hope that you still got some new tips and information out of this article. If you’re asking for numbers but not getting any results, it may only take one or two things (like justifying the close for example) to improve your turn around.

Go Out!

I want you to go out – today, tomorrow, or as soon as you can – to a supermarket, a shopping mall, a busy street, a festival, anywhere there are women, and I want you to commit to trying 23 approaches. I love coaching because I can be there with my clients to motivate them, to show them how to approach, and to guide them step by step – but I can’t do that in a article (obviously), so it’s all on you, sunshine. You need to motivate yourself and be your own coach. However, this really isn’t a bad thing. Being able to motivate yourself and push yourself is the most important thing in life in my opinion. If you take in all of this information with an open mind and just make some small steps forward – your whole life and mentality will change.

So commit to trying just a couple of approaches. Be sure to give yourself a LOT of time to do this, because if you’ve never done it before, it’s going to be hard for you. Listen to some inspiring audios while you’re walking around if it helps (it did for me back in the day). But the main key to getting this done is to commit to doing it before you actually leave the house. This is why you will need the large amount of time, because if you make the commitment to do two or three approaches, it could take you hours before you actually do it. You’ll likely walk past several good opportunities before you work up the ability to do one, and that’s fine.

The first approach will be the hardest, so I highly recommend just finding anyone to approach to just get started. It doesn’t have to be the perfect situation, it doesn’t have to be the perfect girl, it certainly doesn’t have to be the perfect opener – just get that first one out of the way to get you started. It can be the simplest of approaches – a question, a compliment, an observation, a functional question – anything. The sooner that you do it, the sooner you can go home.

Another key here is to not look at women and think “I’m not sure I would date her” or “I’m not sure she is my type” If you do that, you’ll walk around for hours dismissing perfectly fine opportunities to practice, and when you do see your perfect girl, you probably still won’t approach her because you’ll be in a cold state from not talking to anyone. Actually doing it is the only thing that will get you out of your head. And this is just you learning the skill of approaching women, having better conversations, improving social skills, becoming more confident – you very likely aren’t going to marry or date any of these women just yet, so don’t be too picky here.

Another important key is to not get down on yourself if this takes a while to do, or if you find it hard, or if you walk past multiple opportunities, or even if you don’t do anything for your first few times. It’s ok, take your time. I recall walking around for hours before I could even manage one approach. If you let one opportunity go, that’s fine, just try again. If you’re frozen and staring at a girl for a while wondering if you should talk to her – that’s fine. If you do it, great. If not, totally fine. Sometimes it takes a few attempts to even approach one woman. If you’re really struggling, one thing that I recommend to some clients is to just walk near the girl. You don’t have to even say anything. By just walking near her, approaching her without actually approaching her, you’re starting to recondition your mind to take some action. If there is a woman in a supermarket that you would like to talk to, but you’re struggling to do so – you could start by just walking past her in the isle. If you walk past a woman, but can’t quite muster up the courage to say anything, just turn back and walk in the same direction as her for a little while. This is still helping to some degree. Again, don’t go stalking or harassing anyone here, just get moving. You’ll likely feel the most anxiety when you’re standing there frozen. So just get moving, even if you don’t actually talk to her.

You can do this on your own if you like, but it’s going to be probably much easier and more enjoyable with a wingman. So do whichever you prefer – alone or with someone. And take as long as you need. They can be absolutely dismal approaches, you can be totally ignored, you can say something stupid – that’s all fine. They’re still successes. You’ve still grown a little and done more than most guys ever will. So go out and get rejected. Even if the interaction lasts only a few awkward and painful seconds – you have about 2 billion more seconds of your life, so keep it all in perspective.