“When the time is right, you’ll meet her”

“Don’t go out looking for it, it’ll just happen”

“Just be yourself”

You’ve probably heard these right? And while it’s true that many people obviously do just meet someone and then that’s it for them – dating is done – for many others this is simply not the case. And for others, they dated, it didn’t work out and now they find themselves in their 30s, 40s, 50s, with no idea on where or how to meet another woman.

There are many ways that I think society’s traditional dating paradigms could be updated, and one of those ways is the idea of it being ok – even beneficial – to go out and meet a lot of women (and also for women to meet a lot of men).

Meet Multiple Women

The first thing to consider, is how special is your girlfriend if she was the only option that you had? Now compare that to how special she is if you could meet a number of women, you had the ability to meet a number of women, but you chose to start a relationship with her because she is the one that you wanted?

This is absolutely not always the case, of course – I know plenty of guys who met one great woman and they’re very happy together, which is awesome. But there’s no denying that there’s also quite a number of men dating women simply because they didn’t know how to meet anyone else. And I don’t think anyone wins in this situation – the guy or the girl.

The second thing to consider, is if you go out and approach ten women, generally half of them are going to have boyfriends. They might still be happy to chat with you, but nothing really is going to happen. Then two or three out of the ten won’t be interested in you (or you in them), but then two or three will. And that’s the general statistic for when you start to get good at meeting women, so when you’re starting out, it’ll likely be even lower than that. And then you also have to get through the texting stage, dating stage, the sexual stage, the relationship stage, where you might not be compatible on any of those levels, even if you did initially click.

What I’m trying to say here is that I think it’s beneficial to break away from this traditional notion of “I’ll go out and meet one woman and my dating will be done”. I really believe that in order to get good at this, and in order to get the best woman (or women) for you, and to get a relationship that’s based on choice rather than on settling, or even just to get the skills and dating lifestyle that you want – it’s important to meet a number of women, or at least be able to meet a number of women first. Focus on getting those skills up and developing that mindset.

The Main Reason Why Most Guys Fail

The first thing that I ask guys who aren’t having any success with women, is how often they’re going out with the intention to meet women. Most are not. Of the few who are, my next question is how many women they’re actually talking to when they do go out. Most might be talking to one or two.

Very few men go out with the specific purpose of improving in this area, and of the men who do, most simply don’t talk to enough women to see results. They might try a couple of approaches, but if those don’t go well, they get discouraged and don’t approach for the rest of the night (or for some, even the rest of their lives). Often I’ll meet a guy out in a bar that recognises me, and who is interested in this area, and he’ll tell me that he’s really struggling because his “body language is bad”, or his “conversation isn’t very interesting”, or he “must be approaching wrong”, or he “can’t escalate” – but the simple fact is that he’s not getting any results because he’s only doing one or two approaches when he goes out. That is the reason why he isn’t getting any success. It’s none of the reasons he thinks – all of those works themselves out with more experience, more approaches and more interactions. It’s that simple. But guys often don’t want to hear that. They want to hear that it’s some escalation trick or some magic conversation topic that they mustn’t be doing.

Personally, I get one or two approaches done generally within about fifteen minutes of being in a bar. I do this just to get me started, which I’ll discuss in another post. You have to commit to approaching a lot. To some people the idea of this being a numbers game is a very negative thing. “There’s no skill in it if it’s a numbers game!” they say. But these guys have typically consumed a bunch of dating/pick-up propaganda (books, videos, courses, etc.) and don’t have much actual experience. In their heads, they want to go out, see that one girl, strut over there, say the perfect thing, do the perfect move, and then walk away with a solid phone number.

That’s perfect game to them. I guess it is perfect game … in an ideal world. But we don’t live in an ideal world. Reality is very different.

There is definitely a ‘numbers game’ element to this. Don’t let anyone fool you otherwise, especially people selling a service or product, or keyboard warriors with no real-world experience. As my friend says – “If you want to win the lotto, you need to buy more tickets” You’ll click with only a few of the girls that you talk to – that’s reality. Compatibility is key. It’d be the same if you were out trying to make friends with guys – some you would click with, others you would not. But for whatever reason, we don’t see that as ‘rejection’. People who fail to get good in this area, fail to understand (or accept) this concept. So it is a numbers game to some degree, but as you improve, your numbers improve also.

How Many Women Do I Need To Approach?

I’d say that you need to get about ten approaches on a night out. If you’re not hitting at least five, it’s unlikely that you’ll be getting much success, especially if you’re new. That can certainly change once you’re more confident and capable, where often two or three approaches a night is enough – because your success rate is higher, so one will work out well and you’ll spend more time talking to her. You also might already be seeing a woman, or a number of women, and don’t actually need to be meeting more.

Think of it like this – if you’re only going to have good interactions with (let’s say) a quarter of the women that you approach, then the math alone tells you that you need to be approaching a minimum of four. But since it doesn’t work in such a linear and consistent fashion, really you’ll need to meet at least six or seven (or more) in order to meet one or two that you do click with (and who are single). So if you want to be meeting a couple of potential dates each time that you go out, you need to hit those numbers. And for this, you obviously want to be going to bars that allow you to do this. You can’t go to your local pub where there are twenty people in the whole venue, you want larger venues with larger crowds. If you don’t have that in your area, just make do with what you have, or maybe even just focus on day approaching. Or move. I did.

On the flipside of all that – don’t get down on yourself if you can only manage one or two approaches. Hell, even if you only go out with the intention to approach, but don’t get anything done – that’s still an improvement if you’ve never done this before. Just note that at that low number, you might not see results anytime soon, so don’t get too discouraged. If your goal is just growth for now, and developing confidence, then whatever small goal you set for yourself is absolutely great. I’ve coached guys before who have never actually been to a bar before, and they were just happy to be there getting used to the environment. That for them was an accomplishment.

For day time approaches, I would say 3-4 approaches per session is a great number to aim for, however even just 1-2 is fine. All that you need to do is walk around areas where people are – shopping centres, parks, bookstores, supermarkets, beaches, etc. and look for good opportunities to start conversations (I’ll go through this later). And as I mentioned before, have some social intelligence here – don’t run after everyone just to get your numbers in, please!

Again, the more that you can do while learning, the better. I personally used to go out regularly and aim to do just one approach after work. Even just that consistently will get you going, and get you some results, eventually. Note though, that even though I was only doing 1-2 day approaches here and there at that stage, I was also approaching 20+ women in bars every weekend.

Don’t Make Assumptions Based On Little Experience

I really have to reinforce that you cannot go out, try this once or twice and make assumptions about how it is or isn’t working for you. You just don’t have enough experience to make any assumptions yet. When you’re starting, one or two interactions is a fantastic start. By doing just that, you’ve already done more than 95% of guys will ever do in their lives. But to become great, or to at least become good enough to get to wherever you want to be in this, you need to be hitting those numbers and getting a lot of experience. I’m sorry if this doesn’t sound nice and romantic, but it’s certainly the reality of what I’ve seen out there.

Hope you enjoyed reading this article you might also want to read topics to talk about with women.