How To Spend The Days And Weeks Right After A Breakup
In the course of your relationship you and your ex spent a lot of time together and you developed a friendship. Maybe you were friends before that and it turned into a relationship.
So now you still want the friendship, or maybe she wants to still be friends.
Possibly it’s crossed your mind that maybe… just maybe you can get over her while still hanging out with, talking to or communicating with her.
If you are really entertaining this idea I want you to pick up the nearest blunt object and hit yourself over the head with it.
Trying to remain friends is easily the single biggest mistake that you can make in this entire process.
It draws the process out and makes it far more painful. And in most cases they end up not being friends at some point anyway because the friendship becomes imbalanced.
I know, it sure sounds good. You may think it’s a mark of maturity, of classy behavior to still hang out and be friends with someone after you’ve broken up.
It isn’t. What it almost always turns out to be is a combination of self-torture, wishful thinking, and ultimately, dishonesty.
While you might think you are being friends with your ex, this is what you are you are most likely going to be doing, whether you are aware of it or not.
Looking for signs as to whether she is in as much pain from the breakup as you are.
Saying and doing things to impress her to make her want you back.
Evaluating everything she is saying to see if she is dropping hints as to whether she still likes you.
Looking for clues as to whether she is dating or thinking about dating other guys.
Now really. Does that sound like a friendship? Would you want to really hang out with anyone that made you act this way?
As you are doing this, there will be a part of yourself that feels dishonest. That’s because having these feelings for someone who now regards you as “friend” is actually in some respect dishonest.
Be straight with yourself. If you are heartbroken from your separation, you want to be friends because you still want her approval and validation, you still want to see if she wants you back, and you want to reassure yourself that she is not with any other guys.
She may say that she still wants to be friends and she may completely be telling you the truth. She may be entirely over you already and it may be easy for her to see you that way. But this isn’t about what she wants, this is about you moving on.
If you have ever dumped a girl you know how this feels. You don’t want to be mean, and having another friend sounds nice…but really, you aren’t going to go out of your way to hang out with this person.
Good friendships after relationship can happen. But they almost always happen after the couple has taken a long break from each other and revisit the relationship later after they have both genuinely moved on.
Honestly though, most of the time they don’t happen. After talking with hundreds of men and women about this, a recurring theme is that when they revisited the friendship later after the attraction had faded, they found they had nothing in common and preferred to spend their valuable time in the company of their other, closer friends.
Cutting Off Contact
Here is what I consider to be one of the prime directives of getting over an ex girlfriend. Cut off all contact for 8 weeks.
Yes. This is easily the single most important action you can take to be able to move on with the rest of this process.
I also understand that this is also may be the single most difficult one as well. You really have to take this one day at a time.
Many of the techniques in this article will not work anywhere nearly as effectively if you don’t do this. In fact, if you don’t do anything else in my articles, do this one.
The first step in doing this is verbalizing your decision to your ex.
I know this is easier said than done, but this is crucial for several reasons.
Once you have heard yourself say this to her it will make your resolve stronger.
After your ex understands this, she will most likely stop doing the things that will tempt you to contact her or hang out with her.
It establishes that you are now operating on your own terms. This will allow you to make the final exit with dignity, which she will respect you for in the long run. Even more important you will feel far better about it yourself.
After you have verbalized this to her, it will be harder for you to go back on your commitment. Not only will you see yourself as weak if you do, but at some level, so will she.
If your ex has already cut off contact with you consider this step already accomplished. You still have to stick with the 8 weeks, but consider it a blessing that the heavy lifting has already been done for you.
When you have this talk, keep a few things in mind.
Be firm and honest at the same time. Be clear about what you are saying when you do it. Don’t dance around the topic. This is the time to man up and do it, don’t say or do anything just because you feel like it will relieve the tension.
Tell her that it sounds appealing to be friends, but you can’t because you need to take some time out. This means you don’t want to see her or talk to her for a while. Tell her once you feel that you are ready you’ll contact her and maybe you guys can rebuild a friendship. Feel free to say that it is critical that if you are to ever be friends, this has to be done.
Resist the urge to leave any doors open. There may be a part of you that wants to tell her that she can shoot you an email, drop you a line, or that in so and so situation she can call you. Don’t.
Also if there is any stuff of hers and yours, this is the time to arrange a pick up. Tell her that you’ll drop her stuff off at her house or she can pick it up, but you would prefer to do it in a way so you won’t have to see her. The best solution to this is to have a friend do it.
Your Friends, Her Friends
If you and your ex have been together a long time or if you met each other through mutual friends, sorting out how to handle your social circle can be really tricky.
First and foremost, no matter how badly your ex treated you or screwed you over, do not expect her friends or your mutual friends to take sides.
Not doing this can really test your willpower, but reserve any of the venting about how much of a bitch your ex was only to YOUR close friends.
Really what you are doing here is taking the high road, because it’s not only your ex who remembers how you handle break up, but it’s your friends as well.
In fact, it’s best to apply the “no contact” rule to her friends as well.
Sure some of her friends might be your friends, but for now count them as a loss that goes with the loss of your ex girlfriend.
You have to be honest about your motivations to stay connected with them, because often it isn’t so much because you thought they were awesome people that you just have to have in your life, but its because you secretly want to secure some kind of future contact with your ex.
Plus, her friends aren’t stupid, and chances are neither is she. She’ll know that you actively pursuing relationships with her friends is and indirect way of you telling her that you can’t move on.
As for your mutual friends… Be careful any dealing with them doesn’t give you a reason to break the “no contact” rule. If you have to withdraw from that group just for a little bit it’s okay.
I talk more about this in the last article, but try to use this time to make new friends that have never known you and your ex as a couple.
Not trying to assert your friendship “territory” actually makes you look much better in face of all of your friends. You can be, and should be straightforward with your friends about not wanting to see her or talk about her for a while.
But otherwise if you show them that you don’t expect anything from them other than being your friend, it will give them the space to naturally gravitate towards you in this situation.