A great communicator is not always thinking about what to say next. A fearless natural is listening, and he is always observing and reacting to what is going on.

He speaks with authority and clarity. When you speak to somebody, you do so with powerful words. You don’t speak in a low, muffled tone. You own your words. You state your words so the person can hear them. You make direct eye contact and look at them when you speak. When you’re able to do this, you’re able to observe, react, and speak. You’re able to stay present in the moment, because you’re not occupied thinking about what you have to say next, it just comes naturally. You have no idea what that moment is going to bring. You have no clue what’s going to happen to you in that moment. You have no clue what she’s going to say, and that’s the way it needs to be if you want to make meaningful connections with her.

remember when I first started this. It sounded extremely difficult, because I still really wanted to get a phone number, because as men, we’re very outcome driven. We lack patience. We really want to know the outcome.

For instance, when we watch the football game on TIVO, and your team’s losing in the third quarter, we just want to sneak ahead, fast forward a little bit to see what the outcome’s going to be. It’s the same thing with women. We’re constantly thinking to ourselves: “I went out with her for the first time, and I want to be able to sleep with her by day three…” This is exactly the opposite of being in the moment, and enjoying and observing what’s going on right now.

observation helps you talk

It took a lot of work to be able to dial myself back and not be so outcomeoriented, but the first step was becoming aware that this is what I did without thinking about it. You can only begin to change once you become aware and notice this, so take the time in your life to discover when you do this naturally, and you’ll be one step closer to really connecting with women.

Now I know it’s not easy, so I want to share a story with you when I was first starting out, and what happened when I decided I wasn’t going to worry about the outcome. This was when I was learning the power of just speaking about what was on my mind, which was very, very liberating.

I was 24-years-old, and it was my birthday. On this birthday I decided I was going to challenge myself to talk to the most beautiful woman I saw that day, and not care about the outcome. So in the afternoon I found myself walking to a bagel store. That beautiful woman was walking out, and immediately I saw her look into her bag. She was looking at her bagels. So I thought to myself, “I wonder what kind of bagels she has in there.” I didn’t stop and think about how stupid that would probably sound, or sit back and try and think of something more clever to say.

Instead I walked right over to her and said, “What do you have for me in there?” I went for a little playful and a little gutsy.

She replied without hesitation, “Well, I’ve got a sesame, and I’ve got a poppy.”

I said, “Do you have any cream cheese?”

“Absolutely,” she said.

“I’ll take a poppy with cream cheese,” and I said it with a smile. She took out one of her bagels, and she started making it for me.

I said, “ Nah, you really don’t need to do that.”

“Eh, don’t worry about it. I was just really in the mood for a bagel, and things are always better when you share…”

At this point we started conversing. I got to know her a little bit and figured out what she was doing that day. and I realized, at that moment, that I was speaking her language. I didn’t even know about the power of she-talk. This was all very new to me. But I was speaking her language, and I was in her moment. And I got the outcome I wanted because I wasn’t concerned about the outcome in the beginning! So you see the importance of staying focused and staying present in the moment and what just a simple observation can do.

Here’s something for you to take into consideration that will help you understand another big difference between men and women. Women reach for self-help much more quickly than men do.

In fact, most women spend years working on self-development. Most men, however, didn’t begin to search the self-help book section until about 10 years ago. Men were too embarrassed to go on self-help journeys. When I first started this business in the late 90s, people used to look at me as though I were a freak when I mentioned that I helped men date. People assumed that these men must be losers. I replied that in fact, for the most part they’re the opposite. They’re actually very strong, powerful, successful men. They just need a little help with this one part of their lives.

The same way people get personal trainers, financial advisors, and nutritionalists, most people can benefit from having someone who’s an expert in an area they are lacking teach them skills to help a weak area become a strong one. Women understand this and have been more comfortable with working on themselves for a while.

Because of this, most women are not looking for idle chit-chat, and that’s why women become extremely bored by it. The “How’s the weather conversation?” can only go so far. This is why getting into a woman’s world and her current mindset is so important. By connecting to her world, you are showing that you are interested in her as a person.

In contrast, by talking about the weather and asking for a phone number, it shows that you are only interested in the way she looks. When you sincerely relate to what’s happening in her world at that moment, you’ve differentiated yourself from all the other men who have basically walked over to her, talked to her about something meaningless and out of context, broken her train of thought, and then asked her out. I won’t go so far as to say this never works, but it rarely ends well.

Have you ever met a woman whom you felt as though you’d known forever, where the conversation flowed effortlessly, it and seemed like her thoughts were your thoughts? This is what will happen all the time when you understand the dynamics of “he talk” and “she talk” and when you understand the dynamics of your conversation style. Once you do, you won’t waste any more of your time on women who don’t speak your language.

Ok, so now you know about some of the keys to communication, including listening, defining and becoming aware of your communication style, and some of the basics of observation. Hopefully you’re beginning to see the steps you need to take to communicate with women in their world. This is a perfect moment to remind ourselves why you are reading this. You want to become a fearless natural. Communicating with women is the first step towards this goal.

If you are interested in NLP, then here is how to use NLP (advanced speaking and listening skills at work)