Before we dive deep into the openers you must know when you see a woman that you’d like to talk to, the first thing that you really need to do is to try to stay calm. You need to condition your body and your mind to stay somewhat relaxed and in the moment. If you go getting all worked up and analytical, thinking that you’ve got to do the ‘game thing’ now, firstly – you’re not going to notice the things that you could use to start the interaction, and secondly – you’re going to make this one approach much more of a big deal than it actually is. This is just one girl. It’s a step on your journey. The chances of this one girl being the girl that changes your life are slim. The chances of this approach even eventuating into anything are small. So you need to stop yourself from getting so worked up over it. That’s not to say that it should feel easy, I’m just saying to not over-analyse it. I couldn’t count the times that I’ve had a client debate how to approach a woman, from what angle, what specifically he will say to her, and then as soon as he said “Excuse me ….”, the woman completely ignored him and walks off. All that time wasted.

So the first thing that you need to do is to chill out and take a moment to put it all into perspective. The second thing that you need to do is to ask yourself what it is about her that grabbed your attention? Why is she a person that you’d like to talk to? Is she dressed really well? Is there something specific that she’s wearing that’s interesting? Does she look like a tourist? Is she simply beautiful, and if so, what makes her beautiful? Does she look friendly? Is she looking at the same thing as you in the supermarket, or standing in the same queue? I really want you to start noticing these things. I want you to start paying attention to what you’re seeing, thinking and feeling. And specific things, not just “She’s hot”. Try to read her a little. Who do you think she is? What is she doing? What do you think she’s feeling?

Need help with confidence ? read how to become a confident person.

Observational Openers

One of the easiest ways to start an interaction is with an ‘observational opener’ (‘opener’ meaning a conversation starter). Again, is there something about her that you can comment on? Is there something that she’s wearing that grabs your attention? Is there something about her specifically? Is there something that she is doing?

Let’s use her style as an example. Something as simple as “Excuse me … can I just say that I really like your style” is absolutely fine IF she is indeed dressed well or interestingly. If you go up to a woman dressed completely normally and say this, she’s going to be confused and suspicious of you.Or if she walks past you on the street, and you notice that she’s cute and dressed quite well, after she has passed you, turn back, approach her from the side with something like “Excuse me … sorry I know this is rather random, I just had to come back and compliment you on your style.” and if she responds warmly, following it up with something like “Random I know, I just wanted to say hello. You stood out from the crowd.” It could be something specific that she’s wearing, which is even better. Just yesterday I had a client meet a girl on the street by commenting on her leopard print shoes – “Excuse me … I had to come and say that I love those shoes, they’re crazy” She loved it. But again, had they been normal shoes and he said that, she would have responded with “Erm, ok?”

So is there something (anything) about her? Yes, of course she’s attractive, and that’s why you’re likely approaching her – I’ll cover this more direct style of approaching in a moment – but if there’s something obvious that you can comment on, you don’t have to go in and put your balls on the line. Some guys are comfortable doing this (me included – I love direct approaching), other guys are not. And it’s not just about how comfortable you are with the approach, but also trying to make it as comfortable as possible for her also.

Some people may consider observational approaches lame – “You’re commenting on her style, what’re you her girlfriend?” – but they’re forgetting that the effectiveness of these observational openers is not the opener itself. It’s not the words that matter. Some of these comments are actually quite plain and some are just silly – it all comes down to the simple fact that you’re initiating an interaction with her. She very likely knows why you’re there, even if your opener is kinda dumb. Women understand that men need to say something. When I was out recently, I had a woman approach me with “Hey I like your shirt”. Now, she maybe did like my shirt to some degree, but it was just a simple stripped t-shirt, nothing too amazing, so the same applies here – I feel that I can safely assume that she’d seen me, was a little curious about me and had to say something to stop me as I was walking past, so that’s what she came up with.

Observational openers can be very simple. “Excuse me … hi, I was just wondering are you from here?” is another example that I’ve used hundreds of times. Melbourne is packed with cute tourists who are often very easy to spot, and these simple little observations – “Excuse me … I have to ask, you’re German right?” – have worked very well to initiate many good chats during the day for both myself and clients.

Pay Attention

All you need to do here is pay attention. What can you comment on? “Excuse me, I’m just curious what you are reading?” – “Excuse me, I have to ask, what is that you’re buying there?” – A few weeks ago, a client asked me to approach a woman walking up the street who was smiling with headphones in. I walked beside her for a little bit, slightly leaned in front of her and motioned that I wanted to ask her something with my hand. She stopped walking, took her headphones out and I asked “I have to ask what you’re listening to. You’re walking up the street with a massive grin on your face. Is that an audiobook or comedy or something?” Turns out it was just music but she was enjoying the sunshine, and we proceeded to chat about her day out shopping. You could ask her about something in the environment, something that’s happening around you, or something a bit more practical (asking about trains, streets, etc. – as long as you can transition them to a conversation, which I’ll cover soon).

Looking for examples to include in this article, in just in the last couple days, I’ve noticed a girl with an interesting tattoo, a girl with a dream catcher painted on her jacket, a girl knitting in the sun, a girl drinking water from a vodka bottle that she’d turned into an everyday bottle, a girl with blue hair on a train … when you pay attention, you really do start to see so many things that you could use to initiate conversations. Your homework for this article will be to get out there and notice these things, because we really do habitually block them out. I remember once when I pointed out a cute girl for a client to approach on the street, he asked me “What do I say?” My response was “Are you serious? She’s wearing a saree!” A simple “Excuse me, I have to say, love the Saree. Are you going somewhere or do you just wear them because you like them?” worked great.

Just make sure that your observation is legitimate. To approach a girl with normal long brown hair and tell her you like her hair, is going to make you seem very weird, and/or desperate, whereas a girl with an afro or coloured hair, will be fine. And don’t go up to a girl and say “Hey I love your bag” unless it really is an interesting looking handbag. I’ve heard a few guys say this and I tend to think that she may actually think that you’re gay, or that you’re about to mug her. I recently approached a girl using her handbag, but it was a psychedelic looking handbag that she bought in India. Had it been a normal looking bag, I’m certain that she would have moved away from me very quickly. There’s a huge difference between commenting on a girl’s colourful Converse for example, and commenting on her standard, black work shoes. “Excuse me, just gotta say, I love the Chucks” is going to work well in one case, and in the other case “Excuse me, I love your shoes” is going to make you look pretty suss.

Following Up The Open

When you first approach and say “Excuse me” (which I advise starting day approaches with), give her a moment to look at you before you say your opener. Don’t just walk in and start speaking, give her a chance to register you. Remember, you’re likely awakening her from her day dream. She’s thinking about something else when you pop up. Then really pay attention to her after you say your opener, because her reaction here is going to tell you a lot about where the interaction is going. If it’s good, meaning that she stops to talk to you, or she faces you, or she smiles, or she just seems open and friendly – then you have a number of different things that you can do here. The best in my opinion, is to just follow up your initial opener with a simple question, for example, if you’d asked if she was from here, you could follow up with “I just saw you taking photos and I was just curious if you were a tourist?” or “Oh I was just curious, you look very European”. If you’d asked her something about what she was looking at on a shelf in the supermarket, you could follow it up with “So what’re you shopping for today?”. You can even just introduce yourself if she responds warmly, and say that you just had to comment. What is the most logical follow up question to what you’ve just said to her?

If it’s not an good response, meaning that she just walks off, or she looks at you weird, or goes “Umm, ok, thanks” – then just say something like “Cool, I just had to come and tell you that. Bye”. Don’t be bitter, don’t be mad, actually be friendly. Don’t let your ego trick you into thinking that you need to maintain some air of coolness or that you need to exit gracefully. Just leave. It’s worth noting here though, that you don’t actually need a great response. Remember, this girl is just going about her day. She was in her own little world, then you just popped up out of nowhere and said something to her. She’s likely going to need a second to process it. I’ve seen MANY clients walk away from perfectly good approaches because they thought that the girl was cold, when in fact she was just taking a second to gather who he was and what was going on. A neutral response is not a negative response. So don’t be in a huge rush to run off. This will be hard because running off is exactly what your comfort-seeking brain will want you to do. So just give it a few seconds at least to see if she warms up, then decide to leave or not. Remember, this very girl could have a boyfriend and not be interested, or she could very well be spending her nights trawling Tinder.

Transitioning

‘Transitioning’ is very important with these observational openers. Transitioning is simply moving from an initial opening topic to a conversation. So if you’ve just approached a girl in a supermarket and asked her about some food she is looking at (for example), transitioning would then be asking her name or what she is shopping for today, instead of just continuing to talk about the item that you asked her about. So it’s moving on from the open. It’s moving the conversation forward. If you don’t do this, you’re likely going to just complement her on something or comment on something, and walk off. Or worse – comment on something and then just continue to awkwardly talk about that one thing. You obviously ideally want the conversation to GO somewhere.

Transitioning can be anything – asking if she is from here, telling her why you’re asking her something, complimenting her on something else, introducing yourself, asking what she’s up to for the day – whatever. This is one reason why I love being direct in my opens (which I’ll cover next), because it’s way easier to transition forward, to move the conversation to an exchange of phone numbers, etc. Some guys struggle to do this with observational opening – “How do I just ask her out after I’ve chatted about a book for five minutes” I’ll cover this more in an upcoming articles, but for now I just want it in your mind that you must transition forwards from observational openers, or they’ll go nowhere.

“Excuse Me …” & “I Just Had To Say…”

Again, you’ll notice in some of the examples that I started with “Excuse me” This is in no way absolutely necessary, I personally just find it helpful in getting someone’s attention when opening. If you approach and just start talking, you won’t have her attention, you’ll likely startle her, and she might not even hear you. So what you’re starting out, I recommend that you use this to ensure that you have a woman’s attention before you start talking to her. And right after saying it, pause and let her register you – “Excuse me … (pause) …” and then proceed with your opener.

You’ll also notice that in some of the examples, I said “I just had to come and tell you …” or “I just have to ask …” or “I was just curious …” Again, this is something that’s in no way necessary, but which I do really like to use. For example, let’s use a recent approach of mine in the supermarket to point something out.

“Excuse me … hi … sorry I just had to come and ask, are you Eastern European?”

Now compare that sentence with just “Hi are you Eastern European?”

They’re similar yes, but to me, the first one seems much more natural, and the words of someone who is legitimately curious about her. The second seems rather blunt, random and maybe even intrusive. Remember, the more comfortable she is, the better her response will be.

Observational Opener Summary

Observational openers are great. You really can use anything, and there’s so much that you can use once you start to looking for it. The opener itself doesn’t have to be amazing or interesting – again, it’s not about the opener, it’s just about testing to see if the woman is open to a chat. You’ll have successes and rejections using the exact same observational openers, so don’t think that anything specific ‘works’ better than something else. This type of opener is often easier for new guys because it’s more socially acceptable, and it doesn’t require them putting their balls on the line as much.

I think your first choice in openers should always be something observational. I often see men trying to make a huge statement in their approaches – “Hello! You’re BEAUTIFUL!” – when the woman was just sitting there reading, or wearing something unusual, or waiting for the same tram as them. He didn’t need to ‘wow’ her with some spectacular opener, again, all he had to do was test her receptivity, and if she was open, go from there. If she is open to meeting guys (i.e. single), and she likes the look and feel of you, it will open. If she isn’t, it won’t. You might

Don’t just make a random observation and walk off – use the observation to test her receptivity, to get your foot in the door, follow up with a questions or two (if she responded warmly, or even neutrally) and then transition it into an actual conversation. Some will transition just fine, others will not. Keep it simple. The guys who swear by their technical, elaborate openers forget that women are responding to YOU, not what you’re saying – regardless of if you use an elaborate opener or just say “Hello”. All you’re doing is testing the water and giving her a chance to talk back to you, if she wants to.

Direct Openers

Again, observational openers are great, but of course – what if you can’t find anything to comment on? That’s their limitation, and this is why you need to be versatile and learn a number of different ways to approach a woman. Often I see guys trying to start a conversation with a woman but desperately avoiding saying what is actually on their mind. They frantically scramble to find anything to say, even when it’s not at all applicable – “Uh … hey, I like your … shoes?” No. Ultimately, the reality is that you’d just like to meet her. You’re a man and you’re attracted to a woman – it’s the most natural and masculine thing on the planet. And that’s a good enough reason to want to meet her. Don’t be ashamed of it, own it. In a world where everyone is trying to play it cool, having the balls to show that you’re actually interested in a woman (and are willing to do something about it) can be refreshing and attractive. Despite the popular myth, a woman will not lose respect or attraction for you if she knows that you’re interested in her. This myth arose from too many loveable loser type guys telling girls that are way above them in dating marketplace value, how pretty they are. If a girl isn’t attracted to you, fawning over her and telling her how gorgeous she is will not change that. So her reaction will depend largely on the guy showing the interest, and her level of attraction to him. It’s not the approach, it’s the approacher that’s largely determining how well direct opening works.

So let’s say that you’re in a supermarket and you see a cute girl. An example of a direct opener would be something like “Excuse me … I know this is forward, I just saw you and I really wanted to come and say hi. You are very cute” Or if she walks past you on the street, turning back, walking up to her and saying something like “Excuse me … hello, sorry to stop you there, but I just literally walked right past you and I just had to come back and meet you quickly”. There are obviously thousands of variations on what you could say (don’t memorise anything – it will come out mechanical and emotionally empty), but basically it’s about conveying to her simply and honestly that you find her attractive and wanted to find who she is. How you word it is completely up to you. Note however that it should not be some gushing “Oh my god, you’re soooo beautiful!” That’s going to really work against you. Remember – woman want to date up in the social hierarchy, and you gushing over her like a smitten schoolboy and pedestaling her based entirely on her appearance, will tell her right away “This person is below me”. There’s a BIG difference between showing a woman that you find her attractive, and thus you’d love to know more about her … and acting like you’re not worthy of her because she’s attractive. You don’t even have to mention her appearance if you’d prefer to not – direct can also be simply “Excuse me … hi, I just noticed you there and I just wanted to come and say hi quickly. I’m Chris” Just be careful with this though, as it can lead a girl to wonder why you’re saying hello, which is why I personally like to give a reason.

As with observational opening, give her a second to process it and pay attention to her reaction. All you need is a couple of seconds to see if she’s receptive to you, or not interested. If she’s open, don’t keep rattling on about her appearance, transition onto something else – “My name’s Chris, nice to meet you. What are you shopping for today?” If she’s closed, you know what you do – walk.

Your Mindset Will Make Or Break Direct

Again, it’s very important to note here that you’re not approaching her in a way that implies that her appearance makes her so much better than you. She’ll cringe at that. Again, good direct approaching comes down to the fact that you’re a man, you like her, you want to meet her, and you have the balls to approach her honestly – unlike most men who just stare at her and never say anything. Women are attracted to strong men who are willing to take risks. And direct approaching is a very strong approach IF it’s coming from the right mindset. This is why you need to work on having a good self-esteem, because your mindset will be the difference between a woman thinking “Wow, that was ballsy” (good) and “Aww he is so cute trying to talk to me” (bad).

You might want to read how to be confident around girls.

Yes It Does Work & No Not Every Guy Says That

For the new guys reading this who’ve never approached before, I know what you may be thinking – “There’s no way in hell I could do that!” Yes it’s very daunting to start, but I assure you that itis a very effective way of meeting women. If you’re blown away by how beautiful a woman is, don’t go and comment on her work pants. Own your interest and your desire. Myself, my clients, and many guys that I know, have met and dated many beautiful women in this fashion. And yes, even the stunners that you think this would never work on. It will take some practice. You will be nervous. You might be terrified. This is totally fine. Think of all that inner growth. This is how you build that coveted confidence.

Direct approaching is just another option – you don’t have to do it. Some of the best guys that I know never do this, they prefer more observational openers or simple, normal openers (which I’ll cover next). But if the idea of cutting out the bullshit and just speaking your mind resonates with you, all you need to do is to try this a few times to see for yourself how effective it can be. If you approach just 5-10 women in this fashion, you’ll be very surprised at how well it can go and how friendly women generally are. No, not all of them will respond well to you (of course) – some will think you’re weird, many will have partners, some will just not be interested in you but nothing works every time. And again, you’re doing all of this for those women that are open, positive, friendly and interested in you. You’re out to meet the women that you do click with.

If you’re reading this thinking that this would never work, and yet you’ve never approached or tried it yourself, then hopefully you can see that your opinion on this isn’t backed up by any evidence, whereas mine is backed up by having done it thousands of times. Scepticism based on no experience seems to be everywhere. I meet men who are sceptical but who’ve never actually approached a woman before. I meet women who are sceptical but whom I know would respond well to a guy approaching her. I was once on a date with a girl who said that she would never go on a date with a guy that she met during the day or on the street, despite the fact that I approached her as she was walking through a supermarket.

And before you discount direct approaching with “But that’s what every guy says to her”, consider these points …

  1. Most guys will never approach. Ever. Period. They might tell a girl that she’s beautiful when they’re serving her in a café (or wherever), but that I no way counts as an approach. There is no intent there at all.
  2. Of the guys that do approach, most would never approach through the day – they can only approach after a few drinks in a bar.
  3. Of the very miniscule amount of guys that do approach through the day, most will come up with some weird reason to talk to her, or they’ll comment on her appearance in a way that screams “You’re better than me!” (which again, women aren’t wired to be attracted to), or they’ll comment on her appearance in a weird creepy “You so preeeeeetty” way.
  4. The people that are always telling a woman that she’s attractive, are her female friends (or random girls that she meets), her friend-zoned male friends that secretly want  her, people on her social media (go check out any hot girl’s Instagram), people wanting something from her, or just guys with really bad mindsets who pedestal her. 95% of men telling women that they’re beautiful are not men that they would want to have a relationship or date.
  5. She is responding to YOU as a person, not your opener. If you’re a cool, attractive guy who looks after himself and who tries to have his shit in order, direct approaching is going to work well for you. But if you’re a guy who is below average in appearance, who isn’t working on himself, who has low social value and low self-esteem, then it’s very likely not going to work for you (or at least not on women more attractive than you).
  6. Many guys think that showing interest in a woman is a bad thing. Or that direct approaching would work on the “average” women but not the more attractive ones. Firstly, most guys, despite all their bullshit, don’t actually want the hottest women out there – they just want a nice girl that they’re attracted to and that they connect with. Research has shown that we tend to be more comfortable with people we feel are ‘in our league’. Secondly, I could tell you about the stunning women that I’ve met (and dated) from direct approaching, or when my clients have, but that’s anecdotal and doesn’t mean shit to you reading this – so just think about this … an attractive guy with a good mindset and masculine energy is NOT the same as the lame guy in the café who tells her she is pretty every day when she buys her coffee. A guy who likes himself, who likes his life and who looks after himself, is not the same as her photographer telling her that she is stunning in between photo shoots.
  7. Yes “the 10s” get told they’re beautiful a lot, but very rarely from guys of equal dating marketplace value. And rarely do they have the intention to actually talk to her, and to judge her personality also, and to ask her out. Again, a large part of direct approaching is how you look after yourself (both physically and mentally) so if you’re out there looking like shit, or thinking like shit, and bringing little social value, and you’re only ever approaching the stunners with their shit sorted out – don’t be surprised if you’re getting no results. Most will still be friendly to you, but it won’t eventuate into anything more. You need to keep it real. When I meet a guy who doesn’t have much going for him (yet), and he tells me that he wants to date “a 10”, firstly I question if he actually does want that or if he’s overcompensating for something, and then I tell him honestly that he’ll simply have to work much harder on himself and meet many more women in order for that to be a possibility.
    Direct.

Direct Summary

Ultimately, direct approaching – being upfront about your interest in a girl – is a great way to meet women. It just needs to be done in the right way (i.e. not grovelling and not reciting some memorised line), and with the right mindset, which could be summarised as something like – “I find that woman really attractive, and I’m bold enough to tell her. She might like me, she might not. But I value myself highly enough to just try and see if we click”. It’s honest, it gets to the point, it’s easiest to turn into a date (so there’s not too much transitioning required), and a lot of guys find it actually much easier because they don’t have to think up some opener in order to approach (i.e. they can be more congruent and just speak their mind). It can also be very refreshing for a woman to have a man approaching her authentically and not playing games.

Often women who are not even interested in you, will really respect your courage with this type of approach.

Simple Normal Openers

You don’t need to be observational or direct in order to talk to a woman, obviously. These are just two options that I’m giving you because I know that you need something to work with to get started, kinda like training wheels.

“Hello” is the greatest opener there is. Yes, a simple hello to the girl seated next to you on the bus, or standing near you at an event, and maybe a simple comment or question after that, is all that you need. I had a client once get a girlfriend from a supermarket by mentioning a good brand of pickles to her. I had a client chat up a girl on the street by saying hello and commenting on the busker that was performing nearby. One of the coolest girls that I’ve ever dated, I met as I was walking home from work by commenting on her pants as she was walking next to me on the street (she was actually walking to a date). These completely ‘natural’ ways of starting conversations should always be your first choice.

But it’s just worth bearing in mind that if you’re going out to actively approach women (which I suggest doing in order to get more comfortable and confident in the dating area), most of the time you won’t find yourself in many ‘natural’ situations. These natural situations arise in normal life maybe once a month (if that), which is why I’m encouraging you to actively go out and make it happen instead of waiting for it to happen (which is what most people do). And sometimes in ‘unnatural’ situations, ‘natural’ openers just won’t work. So for example …

  1. Natural situation – You’re walking down the street one day, going about your life, and the woman walking next to you happens to look over and smile at you. You just say “Hello”, and it likely works just fine. You engage in a chat as you walk.
  2. Unnatural situation – You’re out TRYINGto find a girl to talk to, so you say “Hello” to one as she is walking down the street next to you. She likely looks at you confused and looks away.

In the first instance, a natural situation that just happened to unfold, allowed a natural opener. In the second instance, you tried to force a natural opener on an unnatural situation.

So ‘natural’ openers are great if the situation is ‘natural’ but they can be odd if they’re forced. I’ve coached plenty of men who have asked me “Why can’t I just go and say hi to her?” and when they’ve gone to do that, exactly what I predicted happened – the woman said “Umm, hello?” and walked off confused. Since the girl was going about her day and didn’t noticed him at all, just saying “Hello how’s it going?” made her think “Huh? What? Where? Who?”. Using a more structured observational or direct opener – “Excuse me … can I just ask/say …” – would have worked better. That’s not to say that you can’t just say hello or ask a simple question when the situation arises. For example, a girl was once on the tram next to me holding some Spirulina so I said “I use that too. Do you find it any good?” and we had a good chat. A natural opener, in a natural opportunity.

So don’t over complicate all of this by thinking that you need to say or do certain things. Again, there are women out there wanting for a man to just say hello. If you are sitting on a train platform, or you’re in a park on a lunch break, or you’re at an event – or wherever – and a lovely woman just happens to be standing or sitting next to you, you can absolutely just say hello and ask how her day is. Everything that I am mentioning her, are all just options.