I really do believe that it doesn’t matter if you call or text a woman. Some will absolutely prefer to be called, but others will prefer to be texted. I don’t believe that this’ll make or break the outcome. If she left the interaction looking forward to hearing from you, it won’t matter if you text or call – she’ll follow up. But if she gave you her number just to be nice but didn’t really like you (i.e. you pressured her for the number), or she doesn’t remember you that well, then it also won’t matter – she won’t follow up. So given that, I recommend doing whichever YOU prefer.

And if you are new to the dating world you should read our practical dating guide, how to improve your looks.

And we also recommend reading how to talk to girls.

Personally, I much prefer to text because I’ve simply never been a big fan of speaking on the phone. I’m a multi-tasker and phone calls for me feel distracting and somewhat of a waste of time. However, that’s just me. Texting is certainly not “weak game”, as some people think. We’re in the technological age. People are busy, so people are texting more. I also believe that texting feels much less intrusive when following up a girl for the first time, especially with younger girls who never lived through the “I’ll call you” era. Typically, older women might still prefer a call, but I feel that they’re the minority when it comes to calling as first contact. I believe that calling is much better once you’ve initiated contact first through texting. No-one wants to answer an unknown number and then be stuck on the phone with a guy that they forgot they gave their number to.

Some guys believe that calling will prevent flaking, but I think that you’ll ultimately have the same result – if she liked you, it’ll go fine, but if she wasn’t that interested in you, she simply won’t answer the phone and won’t call you back (or she’ll try to get off the phone as soon as possible). When guys say that a phone call prevented a girl flaking, the question remains – would that specific girl have texted him also? I think so.

I am certainly all for trying new things to get new results, so if you find that calling is helping you – awesome. And I’m definitely not saying to not call – one of my friends who is great with women much prefers to call – I’m just saying that if you feel obliged to call because you think that you have to, I personally feel that it’ll ultimately not make much (if any) difference to your results. The biggest contributor to your results from your calls/texts/follow up, is the interaction itself, not your text/phone game. She was interested in you or she wasn’t.

Again, some girls will absolutely prefer to be called, whereas for other girls, that’ll actually seem too much, too keen, and they would’ve preferred an initial text to touch base. So do what you want to do, just be respectful, i.e. don’t text and call if it’s clear that she isn’t interested in you – respect her and respect yourself. You can do much better than chasing someone who isn’t interested in you, and your energy is better spent elsewhere than on chasing up dead phone numbers.

Rules For Calling Girls

I don’t think that there are any golden rules to calling. Some people will say all kinds of things – that you need to be the one to end the call, that you need to make the call quick and to the point, that you shouldn’t ask too many questions, that you need to set up a date on the first call, that you shouldn’t set up a date on the first call … again, I really feel that all of these are rules are pointless. They really just help people feel more in control of the situation. Humans love consistency and predictability, so we’ll often apply rules to things which are inconsistent and unpredictable so that we feel like we have some control. But whatever rule you read or hear, it’ll work in some instances and not in others, because all that this really comes down to is the people involved and the situation.

So I believe that there are no rules when it comes to calling. If you’re having a good phone chat with her, continue it. If you’d prefer to just touch base and make plans, that’s fine too. Stop living your dating life by other people’s rules. Have more confidence in what feels right for you. That’s much more attractive than a guy trying to ‘do it right’.

Rules For Texting Girls

Rules pop up in texting advice too. I’ve heard everything – don’t text her too much, don’t text her too little, don’t seem too keen, text soon so that she doesn’t forget you, wait three days to text, ask her our right away, don’t ask her out too soon – it goes on and on. Just stop it. It’s all so stupid. This is someone telling you what worked for them (probably only once or twice), and so they made a rule out of it. Again – if she likes you, she’ll text you back, if she doesn’t, she won’t. The outcome is for the significant most part already determined from the moment you ended the interaction, so again – do what you want to do. What do you WANT to text?

If you want to banter with her over texts for a couple of days or weeks, awesome. If you want to just ask her out after a few texts, great. If you want to text her soon after getting her number telling her that it was nice meeting her, great. If you want to text her in a few days when you have more time, awesome. Stop living by the weird rules of people on the internet – people that may or may not be getting results themselves. I have to be honest and say that from what I see, most of these rules are created by people who don’t have much experience themselves. The guys who are doing the best generally are sending simple texts, not over-thinking it, whereas the guys who are not getting much success are the ones who are usually huddled over their phones, thinking of the perfect line to say, and at exactly the right time, and telling others that that’s how you should do it. Again, have the confidence to do what feels right to you.

Timing For Calling And Texting

As for when to text or call, I don’t think that timing is a hugely determining factor either. You’re seeing a pattern here, right? If this is frustrating you reading this, that’s the truth smacking you in the face. Whether you wait three days like the cliché says or you text her the next day, the result will very likely be the same.

If I meet a girl out at night, I generally text the next day, or within the week. I know a lot of guys who text the very next morning when she likely isn’t even awake, or worse – when she is waking up hung over, which is not the best time for her to be thinking of you.

Even during the next few days after meeting her is completely fine. I meet plenty of guys who want to “strike while the iron is hot” because they’re paranoid that she’ll forget them. This is a clear sign that you’re living in a scarcity mindset, and you’ve already likely fucked it up before you’ve even texted her when you’re coming from that place. Again – want, don’t need. Of course you want to do it right, of course you want to say the right thing, of course you want her to reply – but be in a place where you’ll survive the day if she doesn’t. Disappointment is fine, it’s healthy, but if you’re putting yourself into a panic over a text message reply, your issue is much more than just this girl.

The beauty for me is that my life is so busy that generally I can’t follow up for a couple of days naturally anyway. I don’t have to stick to a ‘three day rule’ because that’s just my life by default. I think that this is a good place to aspire to and something that you should work on – an active, enjoyable life where you’re not huddled over your phone desperately waiting for the perfect time to text that one girl that you met out. The only time that I text a girl that same night is if I had a really great interaction with her, in which case it’s usually something like “Very nice chatting with you miss. Enjoy the rest of your night” – which I call a ‘ping’ (a text that doesn’t require a reply). Sometimes I’ll message her that same night if I feel that we’d both like to go home together, but because I was coaching, I couldn’t do anything about it during the interaction.

For daytime interactions, I feel that a text on the same day is fine, or within the next couple of days. If you leave it too long, she may even feel that you’re not that interested. Ultimately, again, don’t place the focus of your texting or calling on when to do it. It’s not hugely affecting the outcome. Let’s all just agree that texting her or calling her ten minutes after meeting her to ask her out is probably a bit too much (ok a lot too much). But a casual “Nice to meet you” or something simple soon after meeting her – absolutely fine. Just don’t be that desperate guy who starts harassing her as soon as you get her number. Do you know why women are often so hesitant to give out their phone numbers? Because many guys seem lovely, but then become Mr Stalker Texts as soon as they have the phone number.

Have more confidence in yourself. Text or call when you like, how you like – just have some social intelligence. “If it doesn’t matter what you say, why don’t I just text her to fuck!?” – yeah, you’re being a moron. If the follow up works, great, if not – just get back on your path. She’s just one person that you met in your whole life. Keep it in perspective. Very often my clients will be very upset about a flake, but then will be completely over it in a few weeks when they have a couple more numbers to follow up on. Your whole life doesn’t rest on her texting you back. You may have just had an amazing interaction and this could be the start of something great, OR you may have just completely misread the situation and you won’t ever hear from her again. If nothing comes of it, be ok with that and just move on. Nothing you can do will ‘make it work’. It sucks, but it’s the dating game.

Example Texts

I’m asked very often what to text women and people are always surprised by how simply my follow up texts are. Personally, I like the idea of just simple natural texts because again it doesn’t matter what you say, what matters was the quality of the interaction and how much the girl liked you. Here are a few example first texts of mine from the last while. Please don’t memorise these because there’s nothing special about them at all, they’re just simple texts to give you a feel of what I’m talking about.

  • A girl that I met in a bar and chatted with about business for about 20 minutes before returning to my clients – “Hey Sophia the Colombian 🙂 This is Martin the business guy from (bar name)” – This was sent about 3-4 days after meeting her.
  • A girl from the street that I texted later that same day – “So did you try the cider?” – When I approached her, she was on her way to a bar where I recommended the cider.
  • A girl from the supermarket that I texted at 8 PM that night – “Hi miss. This is my one text. Did you make it to the Thai Festival?” – She was initially hesitant to give me her number saying that guys generally turn crazy on her, to which I replied “How about this, I send you one text, and if you don’t reply, that’s it, I delete your number” She replied, and we actually continued to see each other for a while after that.
  • A girl from a shopping centre that I texted about an hour later – “Did you find the post office?” – I’d approached her while she was looking for the post office.

Don’t Overcomplicate It

Guys really overcomplicate following up phone numbers. They feel the need to run ‘text game’ and to come up with all kinds of weird and wonderful ways to text a girl. But it’s just not necessary. In fact, I believe that you’re far more likely to mess up a good thing by trying too hard. Novelty texts, cocky texts, ‘interesting’ texts, etc. are probably more likely to turn girls away (that maybe were interested in you) because they often come off as try-hardish or just weird. Often I meet a guy who asks me why a girl didn’t text back and upon reviewing his messages, I find that his attempts to come off as cool or cocky, just come off as wankerish. I have a client at the moment who insists on being sexual in texts, despite me telling him otherwise, and he is up to the fourth or fifth girl in a couple of months that has gradually stopped replying. It just comes off as trying too hard. And especially sexuality out of context, via text, just looks weird and makes her think one thing.

Take the emphasis off text game. Be yourself. It’s cliché, I know! She’s going to reply or not based almost entirely on the interaction, and also where she’s at in her life. When you walked away from her, she thought “Hmm, interesting guy” or she thought “Eh”. And if it was “Eh” then it’s very likely going to flake, especially if she was drunk, regardless of how good your text game is.

So don’t think that women are not texting you back because of what or when you texted or called. If she didn’t contact you back, there are a variety of possibilities, but mostly – she was just not that into you.

Why I Text What I Text

As you can see in the example texts that I gave before, they’re all very simple and off the top of my head. That’s not how you must text, that’s just what feels right for me. If you prefer something even more simple like “Hi Beth, this is Chris from (wherever). How was the rest of your night?” – that’s totally fine. I very often send those texts myself too.

And how long should you text her for? Well, for every time that I’ve successfully asked a girl out in the first couple of texts, there is another time that I’ve texted a girl for weeks before asking her out. No, there’s no harm in texting a girl for as long as you like. If she likes you, it’ll make no difference. In fact, taking your time can actually be beneficial. Many guys rush for a date, and often ignore the girl’s attempts to chat and get to know him. If she’s talking about her work, don’t ask when she is free this week for a catch up. Don’t be so desperate. Listen to her, get to know her, be patient, have your own stuff going on. As long as you do actually ask her out and not just become her pen friend. She doesn’t want that either. The girl that you’re texting is probably waiting for you to ask her out just as much as you’re waiting for ‘the perfect time’.

The only thing that I would advise against here is asking her out in the first text. So many guys do this and I just don’t like it – “Hi Jenny, this is Paul, I met you last night. Do you want to grab a drink sometime?” – I really feel that that’s just too much for a first text. You’re better off just seeing if she is even going to reply to you before you go asking her out. Now you might want to read how to make sure that a girl will not flake on you and how to approach and talk to girls.

Summary

The golden rule to remember is that probably 90% of your results from texting/calling/follow up, are determined in the interaction. If she walked away curious about you, interested in you, impressed by you, attracted to you – then she will reply, really regardless of what you send, or when you call, etc. But if she wasn’t captivated by you, attracted to you, interested in you, doesn’t really remember you, or gave you her number because she couldn’t say no – then it’ll very likely flake, again regardless of what you say or when you say it. That or she’ll reply to your initial text because she’s nice, but then none after that, or she’ll chat with you for a bit, and then not respond when you ask her out.

So bear in mind always that it’s already largely determined if she’s going to follow up or not. Your follow up is not a chess game that you have to win, you’re just touching base and giving her the chance to reply to you. It’s like a dance – you step, then she steps. If you step and she doesn’t, then you go and find another dance partner.