For years, I’ve been very critical of pick-up artists, and the PUA community as a whole. I truly believe that giving yourself a nickname does not give you real confidence. Anybody can memorize lines and repeat them, but a real person who’s confident will realize that he doesn’t need a line in any situation. He only needs his personality. He needs to react to a particular situation and say what’s on his mind. Imagine being able to go out every single day and be able to say what’s on your mind with confidence, clarity, strength, and conviction. That’s what life is about. That’s what real confidence is about.

Let’s take a look at a pick-up artist or a typical pick-up approach. One I always make fun of is when a guy walks over to a woman and says I want to ask you question: “Who cheats more; men or women?” That’s just a line being recited and nothing more. Sure it may work some of the time as an icebreaker, but life is about emotions. We connect to people based on their emotions. Words don’t really matter. It’s the feelings, the actions, the strength and the tone of those words as they come out. You can have a bunch of one-liners ready, but in the end it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. That’s what I’m here to help you with.

Go and watch an episode of Beverly Hills 90210… just go to Youtube and watch some scenes. Look at all the bad acting. It’s hard to believe any of those lines. It’s hard to believe any of those scenes. It’s hard to watch without laughing. That’s what pick-up artists are like. They are like a bad episode of Beverly Hills 90210, and that’s definintely not what you want to become.

natural game

Instead you want to become the person who’s in control of his own movie. You want to be an authentic, leading man in your life. The man who delivers each thought and conversation with conviction, strength, clarity, and without caring about the outcome. You don’t want to hide behind the scripts of the pick-up community. You might meet women with a script, but you can’t build attraction. Ask any woman, and she’ll tell you again and again that the only man she wants to meet is one who’s present in the moment and in tune with what’s going on. Every time a man uses a pre-written script, it feels like that bad episode of 90210 or a bad movie that she never wants to watch again. No one wants to be the guy who watches the women all run away from him, or even worse, be that guy who chases after those women.

You want to connect authentically, and having real conversations gives her something to grab onto. It also makes her very excited about having met you and about going out with you. Women are looking for guys with substance, not guys who can entertain them for 15 seconds. They don’t want to sit across from a Jim Carey wannabe and watch you perform; they want to talk and feel the life around them. They want to connect emotionally. When you comment directly about a woman’s everyday life, and you’re a person rather than an actor, then you’re able to connect with women in their world. It’s critical for guys to know this.

If you want to learn how to connect with a woman on a deeper level, you don’t want to be that “Slick Rick,” because it makes a woman think twice about who you are. Here’s what happens. If you’re slick, and you walk over with an opening line that’s slick, you end up not listening to her very carefully. You ask for her number, and for some reason or another, she gives it to you.

What happens next? She goes home, calls one of her friends, and says, “I was in the market today, and this guy walked over and said something really funny, and I ended up giving him my number.”

Then, the friend will ask, “What did you guys talk about?” At this point, she’s going to review the conversation and realize you two talked about absolutely nothing, because you were just a slick, pick-up guy. Guess what happens? You give her a call a day or two later, and she lets you go right to voicemail. You leave a message, but she never calls you back.

How do I know this? I used to be that Slick Rick. I was the guy who would go up and entertain women. I called this giving her the best 30 seconds of myself. It was a mini-show. It was fun and exciting. Women gave me their numbers, and I’d go home and become a telemarketer. I’d call up the three womens phone numbers I got that day, and I’d be lucky if one of them picked up or called me back.

Look, I would get women to call me back, but only because of sheer numbers. When I was going out and doing this every day, I’d end up talking to around 30 different women each week. And eventually you’re going to get good at this opening act, but it takes a long time to perfect, way too much effort, and here’s the worst part: you’ll never get anywhere with these women, because you’re not connecting with them!

After playing this game for a while, I learned the greatest lesson. Be real. Be authentic. Be YOU. I would open them up with real, authentic discussion  and did so in a confident and strong manner. All of a sudden, women would call me back. She’s going to describe to her friends the “magic show” you put on for her, but how she felt. That’s the key to connecting with a woman, connecting in the moment, and then getting the phone number so you can go out with her and continue that connection.

Here’s another way what I’m doing is different than most pick-up routines. When I approach a woman, I want to find out who she is so I know whether or not she is somebody I’m interested in getting to know.

The whole point of meeting a woman is having her qualify herself to you. A routine is a performance that she’s judging, but let me ask you, who is doing the real qualifying? The idea of approaching a woman is to see whether or not she’s worthy of your time. The profound insight here is that most men who practice routines are just desperately trying to sell themselves to a hot woman.

When you go out on a date with a woman after you’ve used a routine, she will be expecting that character to show up at dinner. That means that although you may have been able to get a phone number with a five-minute routine, over the course of a two-hour date, the woman will start to notice the inconsistency in your personality.

Where is the man she met three days before? The man she met before was so funny and slick. The man she’s sitting across from on the date is nervous and shy. Who is the real guy? Is it the first one or the second one? Women will always know that the first guy was “actor guy” and the second guy was the real you.

In order to meet women and get more out of those meetings – from better sex to better dates – you need to drop the routine and learn the power of observation and connection. The best opening line is one based on an observation about something happening in the moment. By bonding with a woman in the moment, you’re going to seem natural and real… and not like a guy with a sleazy come-on.