no excuses

“I have tried to keep in contact with my ex with a view to salvaging our broken relationship. Although I was aware she had met someone else, I conveniently ignored this and kept the communication channels open.”

“I have stayed in communication with my ex to remain in a holding pattern—waiting until she wants me back again. I thought there was no sense in grieving if we are getting back together. I couldn’t admit my fear that if I stopped contacting her, I would ruin all chances of her coming back.”

“I wanted to prove my love to him by staying close and letting him know I was there for him. I called it a lot of different things— trying to be a friend, seeking closure, looking for answers—but it was a veiled attempt at trying to win him back.”

Sometimes people don’t acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep the hope of reconciliation alive. One man said, “I thought I was being a friend but was in denial that I was just trying to prove to her that I was worth keeping.” Another woman said, “I made every excuse in the book for staying in touch with him because I could not admit that the real reason was to get back together.” Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line.

dreams photo

You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you a world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you’ve been and where you’re going, even if you’re going there together. You still need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in the future. Until the communication ends, it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you once knew has ended, so you must grieve the relationship that has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile, it has to be different than it was before, or it will just fail. Again.

And that is it. See you in the next article.

Now come on! Don’t be sad. Let’s discuss another excuse

“I just need to give this stuff back.” 

People become very creative in finding ways to stay in touch with their exes. One of the most “innocent” ploys I’ve found is when one person insists on retrieving something—a piece of clothing, a household item—that belongs to him or her. A former client of mine once went back for a plastic bowl, showing up unannounced and interrupting her ex and his new girlfriend in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. She went there under the guise of really needing it for a cookout she was having. She was probably the last person he wanted to see on that particular day, but he looked for the bowl anyway. Unable to find it, he said he would look for it another time and send it to her. She refused to leave, carrying on and causing such a scene that the neighbors called the police. The fuss, she said, was because he could not locate the bowl. Hmmm, do you really think that’s what it was all about?

Before you are taken away in handcuffs, think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it: Is it worth more than your sanity? Probably not.

There should be an initial exchange of belongings within days after a breakup. If you need help arranging to pick up your things, get it right away. Don’t let it drag on and on. No one is responsible for another person’s things forever. After a reasonable time (a few weeks), a person is legally free to discard someone else’s belongings if that person has not made an effort to retrieve them. So get your things back within a short time of the breakup.

Do not ask for gifts back or take gifts back. Gifts are gifts— they belong to the person who received them. One important exception is the engagement ring. If you’re a woman who was given an engagement ring and your ex paid for it, it’s best not to keep it. An engagement ring is not a gift; it is given in contemplation of marriage. Even if the ring was given on your birthday or a holiday, it is not a gift. If the marriage does not happen, you should give the engagement ring back sooner rather than later.

breakup excuses

Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things, return them. If there are things you’ve left behind, ask for them once more. Otherwise forget it, and move on.

And now that is not how articles usually end but i don’t care how articles end.

Thank you for reading. Have a great day ahead!