I think that Facebook is an underused tool in dating. We tend to think of Facebook as a bit trivial or even juvenile, however from my experience it can be a powerful tool with a variety of benefits when it comes to both dating and building a better social life.

For one thing, Facebook is seen by most people as somewhat less of a big deal than a phone number, which can be helpful if you’re not sure on the girl’s interest in you, or if you’re in a social situation that’s not conducive to asking for a phone number.

My favourite way to ask for a Facebook is as though it’s an afterthought. Something like “Well, I better get back to my friends, it was nice meeting you. But hey, are you on Facebook? You seem really cool” Why would you do this over asking for her number? To confirm, a phone number is always the best option. If she likes you, she wants you to ask for her phone number, not her Facebook. Also, some women will not wantyou having their Facebook, where she has her friends and family. But if you’re in a situation where you feel it’s a little tougher to ask for her number, for example when she’s working, surrounded by friends, etc. or if you’re sensing some hesitancy from her about giving you her number, Facebook can indeed be a decent second option for a couple of reasons:

  1. As I mentioned, getting someone’s Facebook is considerably ‘easier’ than getting their phone number. It’s seen by many people as a friendlier, more casual alternative, and yet it’s just as effective as a phone number as a means of contact.
  2. You can see when Facebook messages are read. So for all you paranoid guys out there who sometimes think “Maybe she didn’t get my message. Maybe it’s not the right number”, you can be more certain that she has actually received and read your message.
  3. You can show your value over time. This is quite big in my opinion. If you lead a cool, interesting life (which you should be working on), she can see that unfold and get to see more of your value than she may have when she first met you (more on this later).
  4. You get a glimpse of who she really is. The girl that you met in the bar might not exactly be a fair representation of who she really is, either physically and personality wise. Facebook can give you a better idea of who she is, what she’s really like, and if you feel that you’d get along.
  5. If she has a boyfriend, you can’t really ask for her number (some guys would argue otherwise), however adding her on Facebook is generally considered much more casual and friendly. I’ve hooked up with a number of girls who at the time of meeting them, they had partners (so I didn’t pursuit it beyond just adding them on Facebook), but then when that relationship ended, all it took was a message to say hello (which often they sent to me first) to organise a date or hook up. I once met a girl in a bar and we got along very well so before parting ways, we added each other on Facebook. It was quite innocent – she was fun and we got along. I actually also met her fiancé. A few months later, I got a message saying “Wedding is off, what’re you doing tonight?” despite not having even spoken to her after meeting her. Simply, the relationship had dissolved, she went looking for a rebound guy, and I was happy to be it.

Please note that I’m not advocating hooking up with or pursuing women in relationships here. Trust me, it’s not worth the headache or the drama (I’m not even getting into the morals of it). All I’m saying is that there are some instances where you’ll meet a really cool woman – maybe you have a lot in common, maybe you do the same business together, and even though she has a partner, you’d be happy to just know her and stay in touch, even just on a friendly level. Also, sometimes women are in relationships that are on the final stretch, and you might actually be a better suited partner for her. This is up to her to decide.

Showing Value Through Facebook

If you have a cool life (which you should, or you should at least be working on it), you can build a tremendous amount of value from having your life unfold in front of her. I’ve met a lot of women who were only moderately interested in me initially, but when I bumped into them at a later date, they were much more interested simply because they saw my interesting life/personality through Facebook.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you ‘try’ to show value. Don’t be one of those people plastering attempts to look cool all over Facebook. There’s a huge difference between that and what I’m suggesting. Most people see right through you trying to be cool. For example, I’m asked quite often if guys should put up photos of them with hot women, to show that they’re “pre-selected by women”. Personally, I think that this is incredibly cheesy and very see through. Most people will see this as try-hard, and even if you do manage to pull it off, other people will likely just think of you as an insecure player showing off women.

When they’re real and actually legitimate photos with beautiful women, they do show a lot of value (yes, people can tell), but what I think is actually much better is just sharing (not showing off) your life – photos of the things that you do, your thoughts, photos with real friends, comments on the places that you visit, etc.Again, it’s about sharing, not showing off. The same can be said for Instagram, Snapchat, whichever social media outlet you like (PS – did you follow me on Instagram, YouTube and Facebook yet? Haha).

Adding Her

When you do add a girl on Facebook, your options are obviously simple. You can either send her a private message right away (so treating it just like a phone number) or you can not message, and get to know her a little through her posts (and vice-versa), kinda leaving it on the backburner for later.

Something else to consider, is if you’re texting a girl who’s being flaky, but you feel that there’s something there, you can add her on Facebook and then redirect your attention back to your path. You can get back to improving yourself, and meeting other women, without wasting time and energy chasing her up. Doing this leaves the door open for later contact, but allows you to move forward also. You do not want to be that guy texting her endlessly when she’s not giving you much back.

Lastly, a little trick that not a lot of people know is that you can put a phone number into the Facebook search bar, and most people’s profile will show up. Most people have their phone number and their Facebook accounts linked. So if you meet a girl out, and you get her phone number, often you can double check that she’s someone that you’d go on a date with. And before you say this is creepy or stalking: 1), I’m not telling you to add her from this. That is very creepy, 2) Women are absolutely doing this too, 3) If you have someone’s number saved in your phone, often Facebook will actually suggest them to you as a friend. I’ve been on many dates where the girl has known all about me before I even arrived thanks to this. My number was in her phone so Facebook suggested me in her ‘People You May Know’ section, then she Googled my name. Yes – women are Googling men very often before dates. Once I had a girl come to a date just to tell me how much she disagreed with one of my blog articles. And the first thing that she’s going to do is to scroll through your Facebook pictures to see if you’re actually the guy she (somewhat) remembers meeting.

Lastly, and obviously, please don’t go harassing her on Facebook. She has her friends and family on there, so be considerate. Don’t be that guy that posts on her wall “Thanks for the add!” Don’t endlessly message her if she’s giving you nothing/not much back. As with all of this book, the advice that I’m giving here is to be used in a respectful, considerate and intelligent manner.

So keep Facebook in mind as an option when you are ‘closing’ her. Again, a phone number is still much better – it’s quicker, it gets to the point, it’s much more datey and much more adult – a 30 year old woman wants to be asked out, not asked for her Facebook.

Your next steps:

Improve Your Facebook

Write down in your journal what you think that your Facebook says about you. So if you were a stranger looking at your Facebook for the first time, what assumptions would you make about this person?

You could even ask someone what they think (ideally a female) or pay someone on Fiverr $5 to look at it objectively and give you their opinion.

Write down five ways that you feel that your profile could be improved. Maybe you need updated photos, maybe you need some more interesting activity on there, maybe your profile is completely inactive, etc. Or maybe your profile is fine and this doesn’t apply to you at all.

Online Dating

This is optional. If you’re not using any form of online dating, this can be another handy tool in your toolbox. Dating women is in real life is still better because: 1) It’s going to grow your confidence and ability with women significantly more than online dating will, and 2) You’re likely going to be in the majority of guys who just don’t get any results from online dating or Tinder, which might not even have anything to do with you, but more to do with the fact that women have so many options coming in hard and fast.

However, if you’ve never used Tinder or online dating, I would advise to start some accounts and try. There’s definitely no shortage of guys who have tried these and gotten nothing, and if that’s you and you’d rather not go back to that, that’s totally fine, just disregard this homework. But if you do decide to try (or try again), my advice is: 1) Just be you. Don’t put any “witty” bullshit on there, no “high value” photos, don’t try to “stand out” – just be you. 2) Make sure that you still focus on going out and actually meeting women IRL.