What is the better date idea?

1) Take her out for dinner and a movie.

2) Take her to a funeral.

3) Take her shopping with you, to help you pick out clothes for an event; then to a cool lounge to join some friends of yours for a drink.

4) Coffee.

5) Show her your stamp collection.

The answer should be obvious, based on how many words I put into each answer! Of course, it is number three. A lot of guys pick number one or four because they are the standard date ideas. There is nothing essentially wrong with either, but if you want to differentiate yourself from the other guys, the third option is the way to go. Not only is it more interesting, but it illuminates part of your world to her.

A relationship is the sharing of two independent worlds by two independent people. Doesn’t it then make sense that, even on a first date, we would want to begin the process of sharing these worlds? Socially, men are asked to take the lead on most (if not all) areas in dating. The most empowering and healthy way of leading a woman is to invite her into your world.

I could easily title this post “Dating”, but that would not directly pinpoint the skill that I want you to understand. So, just know that this skill is very applicable when it comes to understanding dating, what makes a good date, and how to approach a date from the standpoint of leading a conversation.

The idea of bringing a woman into your world is something I observed naturals doing a long time ago, but had no context to understand it. Since I have studied male-female dynamics, I can see now why this is so important and useful.

Think about it for a second. If your life is a fascinating and passionate place for you, doesn’t it make sense to involve someone you like into that energy? If your world is filled with positive emotions, when you bring a woman into it, she will see that your lifestyle is attractive. You cease having to worry about what to do or say, simply because your life says many positive things about you! Your world speaks on your behalf, which is much more powerful than you saying it over coffee at a Starbuck’s.

This is the main reason I believe that the biggest problem most guys face when looking at their dating life is the absence of any real purpose, passion and people in their world. These are the three P’s to building an attractive lifestyle:

• Purpose
• Passion
• People

Having a purpose to your life brings you out of the doldrums of a repetitive, self-centered life and into a more positive, exciting, service-based existence. When we connect with our purpose, we no longer feel we are a prisoner, but instead feel freed by hope and power.

Passion can be defined as pursuing your purpose with a positive attitude and a strong drive of energy. We covered this to some extent in previous posts. As your purpose becomes clearer, you will find that you are only willing to participate in activities that have a personal meaning for you. Perhaps your purpose is to build wealth. You might find yourself stopping playing so much golf on the weekends, and instead taking marketing seminars to help your new business. What you will find is that by harnessing the power of your aim, you will increase productivity in your life by only participating in these meaningful activities. Also, you will be able to change negative patterns which only yield negative emotions. These actions are tremendously empowering. This naturally unlocks a positive, passionate energy that motivates you to push forward in every area of your life.

People can be defined as having a social circle that is active, nurturing and outgoing. A vital social circle tends not to stay in all night watching TV. I encourage guys to develop friendships that help them enter the world. Positive relationships are those that magnify positive emotions. Being outgoing and involved in the world yields a tremendous amount of positive emotion. Also, by being involved in activities that have a personal meaning to you, you will naturally meet people with similar interests. This helps you to cultivate and grow your social circle of friends. If your social circle seems to be in a rut, take the lead and jazz things up. Organize an outing – go play Lazer Tag for example. Or, throw a party by making up a fun, ridiculous excuse to do so! Use your imagination, be creative, and have fun. This helps cultivate a healthy, outgoing social life, which naturally helps you meet more women!

If you can create a vital lifestyle that is interesting and meaningful you will have much more going for you than most other guys. In addition, you will have a myriad of date ideas that are different and personal. This is a winning combination.

Let’s get into a bit of the philosophy of this a bit. Many women, when on a date with a guy, are screening him to see if this is a man who can provide security for them. This is an automatic and biological screen that woman filter men through when dating. Why are some women attracted to wealthy men? Because it indicates that the man is able to provide financial security. He is a provider, and this is attractive to many women. Of course, this does not necessarily mean that he can provide emotional security. But, having wealth is very attractive for this reason.

Or, perhaps you have seen ridiculously attractive women dating men stacked with muscles. Why is this? Well, the women might tell you that they are “attracted to hunky, muscle men.” This is certainly true, but on an instinctual, biological level, strong, muscular men attract women who need physical security. Very attractive women are sought after for their bodies. They are hit-on by men, and are seen as desirous by men simply for their physical beauty. A strong, muscular man is seen as someone who can “protect them”, allowing them to relax and be comfortable. A physically strong man is therefore attractive to these women.

Security is an innate need that women seek from men. You might not be able to provide physical or financial security. What you, and any other guy out there, can provide is emotional security. By identifying and focusing on your purpose, and by nurturing the development of positive emotions over negative emotions in your life, you take two mighty steps towards becoming a secure, autonomous man. Now that you have a lifestyle which is healthy and positive, the only real strategy you need for attracting women who compliment your personality is to bring them into this attractive world.

If your life is chaotic, disorganized, lacking purpose and direction, women will unconsciously see you as a man who cannot provide security. Why? If you can not take care of yourself, how could you ever help grow a nurturing and loving relationship or family? However, if you are able to fill your life with positive emotions, and build a meaningful lifestyle that has direction, you will be successful, and happy. This communicates the ability to provide security to a woman. You can’t provide something to someone, or to a relationship, if you can’t first give it to yourself. You must be secure with yourself first, and demonstrate that through your image, personality and lifestyle.

Also, the inability to manage one’s external life is a direct look into one’s internal life. If your outer life is filled with negativity, it is very likely that your inner life is too. Guess what: This Is Unattractive. If your outer world is filled with positive emotions, and enjoyable experiences, your inner world will be too. If you are content and connect with the world with a positive attitude, any and everything that comes your way will automatically be attached with positive emotions for you and those related to you.

This makes the concept of bringing her into your world so powerful, because by doing so you are able to strengthen the attraction she already feels for you by revealing that you are a man who can provide positive emotions, a healthy lifestyle, and the all-important security.

OK, let’s step away briefly from philosophy, and discuss how this actually looks in real life.

A lot of guys have trouble on the phone. They get flustered when they cannot see the girl, and read her facial expressions and body language. I used to feel this way, until I started relying on one simple rule – bring her into my world. My life is a positive and interesting place. So, when I am talking with a woman on the phone, I simply describe to her all of the positive and interesting things going on around me. I might describe something funny I heard earlier in the day, I might talk about a project we just completed at work and how happy we all are, or I might simply describe to her exactly what I see in front of me as I walk home – describing my world in an imaginative and interesting way. By doing this, you connect positive emotions and experiences to her
calling you, which naturally increases her interest in you. Make sense? Here’s an example from a recent call I took from a girl:

Her: Hey Stephen it’s Natalie, what’s up?

Me: Hey, good to hear from you. I am walking through Union Square, God it’s gorgeous out. Just saw the Capoeira guys performing in the park. Those guys are amazing. Am off to a party in Tribeca with some friends. They just moved into a loft on Duane Street – the realtor told them it was haunted when they moved in but they are fearless. Imagine that – haunted? Wow.

Her: Haunted? From what? What kind of party is it?

Me: Just a dinner party. Apparently there used to be a factory crew working in there, and the place went up in smoke – like a hundred years ago. So, legend has it, the place is haunted. I was thinking of running around and turning the lights off and on all night. My friend Samantha is totally freaked, and she would kill me if I messed with her like that. Perhaps I will be good to her though…what are you up to?

See how I instantly take her into a tour of my world? I live an interesting life, so “material” or, “what do I say?” is a non-issue. All I have to do is reveal to her the honest, true facts of my daily life. So many guys either have nothing interesting going on, or demonstrate a lack of passion and spontaneity by not revealing their lives to others. In the above example, I also indirectly show her that I have a vital social circle, which includes women (notice how I don’t clarify who Samantha is – friend or date?), and that I have cool parties to attend on the weekend. Her interest increases dramatically because I clearly have an interesting life, which now makes me more attractive.

We get a lot of questions from guys asking for good date ideas. Any date idea that involves positive, fun experiences combined with it being on your turf, and in your world, are all great ideas. One caveat is, if after 3-4 dates, if she is not trying to arrange time with you to show you her world and life, she is probably losing interest in you. But, the first few dates should be about you revealing the powerful, fulfilling life you live to her in an intelligent way. You don’t want to take a girl on a first date to a prewedding dinner for your best friend from college. Can you see how uncomfortable that might make her, and you?

On a first date, you need to spend time with her, alone, so that she can feel comfortable with you by getting to know you. Better to take her first to a great gallery opening for example. Here, you can begin to get comfortable around each other, able to always discuss the art exhibit for conversation. Then, after this time together, you take her to a cool lounge or bar where they read great poetry all night. It just so happens everyone knows you there, because it is one of your favorite places. How nice it is that some of your friends are at the poetry reading, showing the woman another aspect of who you are as you kid around with your friends. This reveals what a great guy you are, and the kinds of interesting activities you pursue.

lifestyle and dating photo

I hope you can see how this works, and how valuable this can be when meeting and dating women. Let this be your plan going forward, because a guy without a plan needs a lot of luck and tends to spend a lot of weekends alone. A guy with a plan can relax in knowing that his activities and his lifestyle will do a lot of the work for him by revealing his personality in a powerful and positive way. Here are some other great first date ideas:

1) Take her to an arcade. Pay for the video games, but play the last one to see who pays for coffee and dessert. Then, head off to your favorite ice cream shop, which has the best ice cream in town.

2) Grab some takeout from a unique spot (that you KNOW is good), then take her to a secluded public spot which only you know about. Here, you have dinner, and enjoy the atmosphere. In New York, we have “The Frying Pan” which is an old boat permanently docked on the west side. Most guys don’t know it is public, and fully equipped with tables. See the romance potential here?

3) Take her to the cool stores in town, and try on different looks. Bring your digital camera along, and assume funny poses in each costume. Then, head off for an inexpensive dinner at your favorite restaurant. It just so happens that you know the entire staff there, as you frequent the place. You get extra special service, because you are a regular.

See the themes here? You are bringing her into your world, which is an entertaining, exciting and interesting place. You steer clear of convention, and instead show her a more personal side of you – your favorite restaurant, location, ice cream shop etc. By doing this, you reveal so much to her about yourself, and demonstrate real thought in planning your evening together. This goes a long way to creating an attractive and lasting impression on her.

By now you may have realized that a principle at play here is “leadership”. Being the leader of my own life naturally teaches me how to lead others. With women, the idea is to lead my own life, and then invite them into it. In conversation, you might lead by telling stories eliciting questions from her. This would enable you to understand what her interests are, and if they mesh with yours (this is far more effective than asking numerous questions). In dating, you might lead her into your world by arranging for a dinner at your favorite local “gem” of a restaurant, followed by a stroll through the streets as you point out various historical events that have happened in the neighborhood, followed by some time in the best dessert spot in town. In a relationship, you can lead her into your world by revealing your own shortcomings, vulnerabilities, and hopes. In all cases, when you do this, you invite the same from her. Guys, I can’t tell you how supremely important this skill is. Its effects reach far and wide, into many areas of your life and relationships.

Exercise For You

Now that you know your purpose, and also some tools for cultivating an empowering, positive lifestyle, what are some ways that you can demonstrate this world to women? What I want you to do is to consider your social circle, your neighborhood, your social activities, and come up with three inexpensive date ideas.

Why inexpensive? Women are more impressed by the guy who has money, and who doesn’t need to flaunt it, as opposed to the guy who has it (or not!) and who needs to flaunt it. If you have money, great. When you really connect with her person-to-person, you will reveal your wealth when she sees your home. For the purposes of this exercise however, think inexpensive so you have to reveal other parts of your life and world to her. Women are more impressed by men who don’t need to flaunt their wealth, and who are secure in themselves regardless of their net worth.

So, come up with three different date ideas. These should be inventive, creative and reflective of your life and world. Here’s an example:

• Take her to my friend’s gallery in Chelsea. Then, we go to Syd’s coffee for dessert. Instead of eating dessert there, we head down to the pier where they play live Tango music on Mondays. We eat dessert in the free seating by the music.

This example proves that I know the ins-and-outs of my community, while demonstrating my interest in visual art, good/unknown dessert spots, tango, and natural settings. These all reveal different sides of you. They also help you resist the familiar trap of needing to impress her with money. Lastly, doing such interesting activities helps the conversation flow, relieving a lot of common dating anxiety.

Summary Points

Bring Her Into Your World. If your world is filled with positive emotions, when you bring a woman into it, she will see that your lifestyle (your world) is attractive.

Purpose, Passion, People. These are the three building blocks of an attractive lifestyle.

On the phone, on a date, whenever! Reveal your world to her by using your intelligence and creativity.
Remember: you and she are learning about each other. A date, a call, or a conversation are all opportunities to reveal how positive and passionate your life is. Just keep it subtle, and allow your life to speak for itself.