How To Talk To Girls (Conversation Tips)
Learning how to talk to girls and improving your conversational skills is really important. Conversation after you approach a woman during the day is actually a lot simpler than people think, and a lot simpler than many marketers will try to tell you. Conversation is just another area that people love to over-overcomplicate and then sell magic-bullet solutions for.
Pay Attention To Her Receptivity
The first thing that you need to do after you approach, is to just be aware of her receptivity. Has she stopped to talk to you? Is she facing you or is she pulling away? Is she unresponsive, or is she warm and open? How is her overall vibe towards you? These early signs of receptivity (or lack of) are your biggest indicators of where the interaction is going to go, so you should be paying much more attention to that than what you’re actually saying. If those green lights are there at the start, then it matters very little what you say. If she’s all red lights (i.e. she’s closed off), then it also matters very little what you say.
So chill out and try to stay calm. This will help you pay attention to if she’s actually wanting to talk to you or not. It’ll only take a couple of seconds to pick it up, and it’ll tell you almost everything that you need to know. Read her face, read her body, read her vibe – what’s it telling you? How open she is? How’re you feeling in her presence?
This applies regardless of whether you are talking to a girl in real life, whether you are talking to a girl on facebook or whether you are talking to a girl on instagram.
Expect Her To Be Neutral
Again, very often a guy that I’m coaching will leave an approach immediately because the woman didn’t jump for joy when he approached her. Just because she may seem a little startled at your approach, or has a “What the?” look on her face, that doesn’t mean that she necessarily wants you to leave. She may very well just be surprised that you’re talking to her. Remember, she was just going about her day and then you popped up. So actually expect a neutral response a lot of the time. Just give her a few seconds to warm up (or not). She also may even be nervous herself. If she’s single and wanting to meet a nice guy, and you’re a nice guy that she finds attractive, she may actually be thinking “Don’t say anything stupid” to herself just as much as you are. So don’t be so quick to leave if she’s a little puzzled, startled or just neutral when you first approach her. There is a big difference between neutral and negative, and it becomes much more obvious with more experience.
Keep It Simple
You want to keep your conversation simple. Again, she’s responding to you more than what you are saying (are you getting sick of me saying that yet?). If she’s wanting to meet a guy, and you fit her bill, then she’ll very likely be open for a chat with you. You don’t need to complicate it. In fact, trying to be technical will likely work against you. This is what drives me nuts about the pick-up industry – “Create attraction” – “Create a deep rapport” – “Be flirty and funny” For the most-part, it’s all bullshit. Firstly, if you’re not saying what’s naturally popping into your mind, and instead you’re trying to be interesting, or funny, or cocky, or whatever, then your mind will very likely go blank and you’ll ‘run out of things to say’. You could’ve just asked what she’s shopping for today or her name.
All too often I see guys trying so hard to make their conversation amazing that they either freeze up and say nothing, or they say something way out there, trying to be “different”, but it confuses the girl (or tells her right away that he’s trying way too hard). Technical game is mostly weird and annoying, and it’s most often too hard for her to work with. She doesn’t want to be analysed on the street or in the store, she doesn’t want to hear your long-winded DHV story, she likely doesn’t want you teasing her outfit in the library, she actually just wants you to ask how her day is going and be NORMAL. She wants natural and flowing conversation, and something that’s easy to reply to. She wants to hear something that a normal and self-assured guy would say, not some try-hard pick-up artist’s routines.
I often see guys walking away from a good interaction thinking that their technique or pick-up line worked, when the reality is that the girl was open and friendly, and she liked the guy. Had he just said “Hello” and made some simple chit-chat, it would have been the same positive outcome.
Small Talk Is Fine
There’s nothing wrong with small talk. Topics themselves aren’t boring, it’s the person talking that makes them interesting or boring. Small talk is just what’s going on on the surface level while you’re both subconsciously figuring each other out. If you have a genuine interest in getting to know the person, this will show, so you should try to see the woman in front of you as the 20, 30, 40 year old novel that she is. There’s so much that you could learn about her. There’s always going to be enough to ask about. And actually care about what you’re asking her. Actually give a shit. Listen to what she’s saying. Use what she’s saying. If she tells you that she’s a hairdresser, don’t move onto the next topic – ask her if she likes doing that, what it is that she likes about it. Small talk is how you get to know people, so don’t think that you need to go in there and discuss Plato’s Republic or the meaning of life. Ultimately, you have no idea who you’re talking to. This woman could shut you down in five seconds, or she could be the love of your life.
Note – remember that the first thing that ANY girl is going to think when you approach her anywhere during the day is “What does this person want?” / “Why is this person talking to me?”. So a reminder – if you can let her know what you’re doing yourself early on, maybe even why you came to talk to her, that will really help her relax a little more, and allow her to engage more in your chat.
It Comes With Experience
The more that you do this, the more comfortable you’ll get with conversation. And when you’re comfortable, you’ll enjoy it more. Also you’ll notice more things to comment on, so you won’t be so in your head wondering what to say next. A stressed mind is not a flowing mind. Think of how easy conversation is you’re your closest friend. It all comes down to comfort, so with more experience, conversation won’t be an issue at all. It’s the pressure that you put on yourself to make conversation that actually results in you “running out of things to say”. So be patient and try to take the pressure off. It’s just a chit-chat with a woman in a supermarket – you aren’t addressing the UN. It doesn’t need to be profound or funny, you don’t need to be cocky, you don’t need to even be interesting. All you need is some enthusiasm and to just keep the conversation going. You approached her, that’s your job. The small talk that most men are so paranoid about, is actually exactly what they need to be doing.
Consider working on your conversation as building up a muscle. When you first walk into a gym, you likely can’t lift much at all. But overtime, when you build up those muscles, you can hold weight for much longer. It’s very similar here. Once this ‘muscle’ is strong, you’ll never run out of stuff to say. So don’t just think “Oh I’ve run out of things to say” and walk off from an approach, that’s such a common excuse to not even try. Stay in there and push yourself a little, build up that muscle. You’ll be amazed at what your brain can come up with when you just refuse to let yourself walk off.
Worrying About What To Say Next
If you’re stressing about running out things to say or what to talk about next, then your problem is more than anything else, one or more of these five points …
You simply need to practice more. This is the unpopular truth. You just need to have more conversations with strangers. This is a skill that you learn. So often I see guys walking away from interactions saying “Oh I suck at conversation!” to which I say “Yeah, because you’ve not done it before!” You don’t just pick up a guitar and play Stairway to Heaven – it’s something that you need to practice. As you get more comfortable, your conversation will just naturally improve. And it improves a lot. So for now, have patience and keep at it.
You need to relax more and be more in the moment. Try not to think ahead, try to not think of what could happen, try to not think of what she may be thinking. Just try to relax and stay present. Yes, this is easier said than done, I know, but if you can relax your body and pay attention to your breath, it will help you. A tense body means a tense mind, and a tense mind means stifled conversation.
You need to value yourself more. A lot of your concern about what to say and making interesting conversation stems from you thinking that you aren’t good enough for her. You’re thinking that she’s better than you, so you have to impress her. This is why a lot of guys go just fine with women that they aren’t attracted to, but can’t get anything from women that they are attracted to. Stop trying to impress people. You really do need to start realising that you’re enough just as you are, and that even your small talk is interesting, just because it’s coming from you.
You need to develop faith and really understand that you’ll click with some girls, and not with others. We’ve covered this a lot, but it really needs to sink in. You need to be ok with some interactions not going ok, because the more you are ok with this, the more likely they are to go well. Women will feel that you don’t need their validation. Also, you’ll be much better equipped mentally to walk away from a shit conversation without taking it personally. All of this means less pressure on yourself, and again, less pressure means more naturally flowing conversation.
With more experience, you’ll start to find yourself in similar situations. Talking to a girl on the street, talking to a woman in a bar, talking to a woman in a supermarket – you really only have to experience each of those situations a few times before you start saying similar things, getting similar responses and having similar interactions. You’ll start to feel more confident because it’ll all feel familiar. There are only so many times that you can approach a girl in a certain situation before you start saying the same types of things, so you’ll build up a toolbox of questions, answers, comments, etc.
Specifics Of How To Talk To Women
So let’s get to some more practical advice. Imagine that you’ve walked up to a woman in a shop, and you’ve said “Excuse me … hi, I just wanted to say that I really like your tattoo”, then she turns to look at you, she gives a smile, and says “Thank you”. Ok – where to from here?
Well, the most obvious option here is to just continue what you’ve used to start the conversation. Maybe in this case something like:
- “Did you have it done here?”
- “What does it mean, if you don’t mind me asking?”
- “Is that your only tattoo?”
You approached her, she was warm and receptive you, so now don’t just let it die off, don’t just stand there in an awkward silence, and don’t just walk off. Say anything, say anything. And again, with these more observational type of approaches, you really want to transition them quickly to something else soon, otherwise she may very well think that you’re just a nice guy giving her a compliment (and not actually wanting to get to know her or ask her out). You might transition it to asking what she is shopping for today, you might ask if she is a from here (again, something I use a lot in Melbourne, since there are so many tourists), you could ask something about the shop, or you could even just introduce yourself. If you’ve been more direct in your approach – “Excuse me, I know this is random, but I just really wanted to say hi to you, you’re really cute” – and she smiles at you, it’s the same thing – introduce yourself and then get to normal conversation – “So what’re you shopping for today?” – “Are you from around here?” – “What do you do if you don’t mind me asking?” Remember – keep it simple. Again, conversation is just what’s happening on the surface level, while what’s really happening is that you’re checking each other out on a much deeper level. While you’re talking about jobs, and interests, and travels, your minds are actually scanning each other for information to see if you are compatible with each other.
Questions get a bad rap in the dating world. Yes, if you’re hammering out question after question after question and you don’t really care about what you’re asking, then that isn’t good. You’ll come across as desperate, insincere and boring. But if you legitimately are interested in getting to know the woman in front of you, then your questions will come across much better. If you actually give a shit about what you’re asking, then questions will have a completely different vibe and feel to them. It’s about being interested in her and really listening. It’s about using what she’s giving you, rather than just moving on to the next question. If you ask what she does and she says that she is working in a café while also studying, then you move onto “Cool, so what’re you up to today?” – that conversation is dead. She’ll see that you just don’t get it, and that don’t actually care. Instead, you can riff off the two topics mentioned – working in a café and studying. There’s so much to ask about those. So use what you’re getting. Pick out the key words and topics from what she’s saying. Generally if a girl likes you, she’ll give you a lot of information in her answers (the more for you to use). If a girl isn’t interested in talking to you, she won’t give you much to work with (very closed off answers, lots of just “yes” and “no”).
Personally, when I’m talking to women, I ask a lot of questions. In my mind, I’m thinking “Who is this girl? Do I like her? Do I click with her? Is she cool? Do we have similarities? Do I want to spend my time with her?” I’m asking questions because I’m trying to put the pieces of this girl together, I’m not just trying to fill space and keep the conversation going. I’m asking things for a purpose, so the frame from which my questions come from is completely different to a guy just asking questions out of some sense of duty, or hoping that the girl will talk back to him. I’m asking what I actually want to know about her. Then maybe I’ll relate it back to something about myself, and one topic will lead to another. There’ll often be tangents, then returns. I’ll talk about her day, then go off into job or interests territory, then come back to her day. This is conversational threading – it weaves here and there. The conversation feeds off itself. And if she likes you, she’ll be contributing to that.
“Asking questions is like a job interview” – I hear that often. Yes! It should be like a job interview. You’re interviewing her for a potential place in your life. Also, again, how you feel about yourself will hugely dictate the result of you asking her questions. There is a social hierarchy. To deny that is naive. And your place in that hierarchy largely comes down to how you feel about yourself. This affects dating and conversation a lot, and it’s why one man can go out and ask a woman a bunch of questions and end up in bed with her or dating her, and another will bore her to death.
You should also read what to do if a girl is losing interest in you.
More Specific Conversational Tips
Don’t think that you have to be “gaming” her. If you’ve read a lot of pick-up books or watched videos on YouTube, letting go of the idea that you need to be interesting or funny or cocky or teasing, etc. is going to be a hard habit to break. You might not even believe me just yet and are still there thinking that you need to show her your value or create attraction. You really don’t have to. The real you is always coming through, and that’s what she’s connecting with, or not.
Even right now as I am writing this article , one of my clients is asking for some text advice. He keeps texting to women things like “Had a massive weekend! Now going to another party! How are you?”. He’s not getting results from this style of texting because it wreaks of desperation and trying way too hard. Instead, I recommended he just say “Hey how is your new job going?” – the new job that she mentioned three texts back which he ignored. If you are struggling with your text game, you should read how to talk to girls over text messages.
Would a high-quality guy who knows that he’s “the shit” need to be gaming the girl? No. He knows that he’s enough. And this comes through more than anything said. So most often, less is more. If you are interested then here is how to become an attractive person.
Also talk about things that interest YOU. Often men get so caught up in trying to win the woman over that they’re too paranoid to ever talk about what actually interests them. Women respond to passionate men. And you’re passionate and enthusiastic when you’re talking about what interests you. Chances are, if you’re boring – be it on a date or in a conversation – then you’re likely just bored yourself. Obviously don’t talk endlessly about yourself and your pursuits, definitely ask about her and get her talking so you can learn about her, but also talk about what you actually want to be talking about.
Cover a lot of topics. Don’t stagnate the conversation. Move from one topic to another. Flow. Again, you’re putting the puzzle of this girl together, so gather a lot of pieces of that puzzle. Very often nervous men will stumble across one topic that the girl seems to like, so they’ll whip it to death. For example, once a client and I were chatting with two women individually (who were friends), and in the hour that we were there, I had chatted about everything from her work, to her childhood, to her ambitions, whereas he had spoken about one thing – her work. He saw early on that she was passionate about her work, so he just stuck on that as a safe topic for an hour. One conversation thrived while the other died.
Talk about each topic to its full extent, delve into it, and then when the time comes to move on – move on. You need to find the balance between not delving into topics at all (skimming across the surface), and banging on for hours on the same topic because you know that she initially liked that topic. Find a happy medium, keep the conversation flowing and fresh, and pay attention to the vibe and the energy of the conversation. If you both love business, and after an hour of business conversation the vibe is still good – keep talking about it. However, if it’s starting to ease off, move the conversation forward. Very often in conversation I’ll even just say “So what else?”
Use what she’s giving you (i.e. listen). If the girl tells you that she’s an accountant, or rides horses, or came out straight out tonight after work – use it! Pick the words and topics out of what she’s saying, then ask her about it, comment on it, relate to it. This is how a good conversation unfolds, how you get much deeper, and how you actually create a connection, as opposed to just skimming across the surface.
You want to be directing the conversation to a phone number/asking her out. Throughout the conversation, you want to be looking for reasons to close (i.e. ask her out/get her phone number). If you’re having a good chat, rather than just talking around in circles (which is what many men do), you want to be looking for reasons that justify asking her out or asking for her phone number (or even taking her on a date then and there). This could be a common interest, or that she is travelling through your city – whatever. I had a client recently have a girl say to him in the first five minutes of conversation that she had just moved to his suburb and found it quite boring. He should have noted that in his mind for later – “Well I need to get back to my friends, but hey, since we’re neighbours now, I should grab your number. I can show you some places, since you’re so bored” Don’t ask her out the moment that you hear the reason – that can come off as incredibly desperate – just slot it in the back of your mind for towards the end of the conversation. And if there’s nothing that you can see, the simple fact that you like her and think she’s cool is enough – “Well I should get back to my shopping, but hey it was nice talking to you. Do you want to grab a drink sometime, you seem very cool”
Hope you enjoyed reading this article. Please feel free to leave your comments and suggestions in the comments section below.