Frame control is the idea of being non-reactive. When two people interact much like there is a clash of frames, one person is going to become more emotionally reactive than the other, and we generally only have emotional reactions to things that we perceive as having value.

The example that I like to give is, if you’re walking on the street and a homeless person is trying to get your attention from across the street, maybe he’s screaming crazy shit like I’m going to kill you, or this, that or the other.

You’re not really worried about it, you generally look at it, you assess if it’s a threat, and since it’s not, you don’t have an emotional reaction, and you continue to walk down the street. But if the guy is right in your face, all of a sudden we have an emotional reaction and we feel threatened and now we have to react to it.

The same thing happens with women. If you walk up to a 5-year-old and she tells you to fuck yourself, you’ll probably laugh and think it’s cute, or you’ll think that she was badly raised, but you don’t emotionally react to it because, again, no real value. You’re not going to get laid from a 5-year-old. You’re not going to get rich; you’re not going to be protected.

If it’s not related to you, it’s not that big of a deal. Now if you walk up to the girl of your dreams and she tells you to fuck off, you’re going to have an emotional reaction because you perceive that girl as having value. When two people interact, there’s almost like a little switch over their heads, whether or
not they’re reacting emotionally. Whichever switch goes off first has less social power. The person who is reacting to the other person has less social power.

So being non-reactive means we control our emotions and project an image or confidence no matter what we feel inside. So say we walk up to a girl and she tells us to fuck off, we smile and keep talking. You know, you go for the kiss with the girl, and she rejects you. You smile and keep talking, act like it didn’t happen at all—be non-reactive.

You ask a girl to isolate with you, go to the bar, leave with you, and she says no. You act exactly the same as before. We don’t want to emotionally react outwardly because we don’t want to send the signal that we are the type of man who emotionally reacts to strangers. One of the things about cold approach is that, again, you don’t have any ties, so they can’t be that important to you.

If you are getting your emotions all hurt because a girl is being mean to you, or she’s not interested, it generally sends a lot of bad signals because it says, “Okay, this guy cares way too much about a stranger, that means he probably doesn’t get girls, that means he probably doesn’t have that many friends, he doesn’t have options, he’s desperate. He is weak; he is kind of a pussy.” All these things happen.

That’s why it’s so important that we are non-reactive; that we are not showing that her behavior has emotionally swayed us. Now the caveat here is that non-reactive is not non-expressive. Non-reactive does mean you sit there like a zombie, or you don’t talk, or you just smile no matter what’s going on. Non-reactive means you’re on an emotional even keel.

The best way of describing non-reactive is that nothing is a big deal, nothing is a problem. So you’re talking to the girl, you’re having fun, you’re being social, you are building some attraction and it’s not going well— you don’t act like it’s even happening. You are talking to a girl and there are a bunch of guys there—
you don’t acknowledge the guys, or act like there is anything wrong going on, you’re just emotionally doing what you’re doing.

To be emotionally non-reactive means to be internally validated, as opposed to getting your validation from the outside. It means that no matter what, you’re having a good time. Nothing is a big deal; nothing is a problem to you. The reaction of these girls could not matter less.

If they love you, that’s cool. If they hate you, that’s cool. Anything in between, that’s cool. You are non-reactive, you are not going to let your
emotions be controlled by the reactions of strangers. Being non-reactive is amazingly attractive because it shows the opposite of all of those things that reactive says. If you don’t really care that much, if you’re not that emotionally invested, if you don’t take things too seriously, it shows you’re probably a cool guy who has a lot of stuff going on outside of being in the club hitting on random girls.