Practical Dating Guide (And Why It Is Important)
In today’s post we will be talking about the importance of dating and why you should be learning the tactics and techniques related to dating and in addition to that we will also share a practical plan to get you started so let’s get right into it.
Wanting to get better with women is often seen as somewhat juvenile and immature. Men wanting to improve in this area are often seen as having Peter Pan Syndrome (i.e. not wanting to grow up), or as being somehow emotionally damaged, or as being sleazy and manipulative. Personally, I couldn’t disagree more. I truly believe that undertaking a conscious effort to improve yourself and your ability with women is a truly brave and noble act. Sure, some dodgy men embark on the journey also, but the great majority are men interested in this just want to be more confident with people (not just women), and to feel more in control of their lives. They want to feel better about themselves, and to have more choice and freedom in their dating. They don’t want to settle for average. And of course, many also want more *gasp*. What monsters! #sarcasm
I believe that a true path of personal development strips a man bare. It rips his ego apart and shines light on his insecurities. That’s not his intention of course, but that’s generally what happens. The path makes him face his demons, and through facing them, he grows. Many men don’t last long on this path because it makes them look at who and what they really are, often shattering their illusions of coolness and social standing. I’ve coached men before who have asked “So how do I do this without getting rejected?” You don’t. To be a success in this, you will be humbled. And you will favour truth over comfort. Here are some confidence building tips for you as well.
Getting better at meeting women turns out to be so much more than just getting laid or getting a girlfriend, and most people will never consider that. To them you’re just “chasing tail” or “recapturing your youth”, but I honestly don’t know of anything else that grows a man more than learning to approach and interact with women. To the average guy, it sounds so simple. “You just go and talk to them”, right? Until he tries to do it himself and completely freezes up, then often making up some bullshit excuse about it not being necessary. And he’s right – it’s not necessary. Undergoing all of this isn’t necessary, but neither is staying fit, getting wealthy, developing spiritually, or any other path of development. Our necessities are food, water, air and shelter. We don’t live in a time of just necessities. In 2017 we ‘need’ a whole bunch of unnecessary shit. Phones, laptops and cars aren’t necessities, but most people couldn’t live without them. So something not being necessary per-se, doesn’t discount it’s importance.
Speaking of cars, I’ve always said that I use dating and meeting women as a vehicle to grow men. I use it as a means to help them overcome what Steven Pressfield in The Art of War calls “resistance”. Clients come to me wanting to get laid, or to get a girlfriend, or to get confident, but they soon find themselves questioning their jobs, their health, their upbringing, their culture, their friends, their beliefs, their goals. They start asking for pay rises, applying for other jobs, booking travel, addressing issues with friends or family, doing public speaking courses, etc. Approaching women throws men into the depths of vulnerability, and exposes all of the ‘holes’ in his psyche. He can then either run from them, or address them and learn.
So this is not just some pick up artist article for horny men wanting to get their dicks wet. This is not just some article for loveable losers who can’t get a girlfriend. I’ve coached some of the most confident and successful men that you could imagine – male models, millionaires, doctors, lawyers, actors, sky divers – so if you don’t feel confident with women, you’re not alone. In fact, you’re normal. Clients often come to me expressing their sadness or annoyance at this anxiety that they feel around women, as though life has inflicted this illness upon them. But I then get to tell them that it’s not their issue – it’s pretty much every guys’ issue.
If anyone makes you feel bad, or like a loser, or a creep, for trying to improve your confidence and ability in this area (or any area), you simply need to place more importance on your own life and what you want, rather than on their opinion. You also need to determine if they really have your best interests in mind, or if you’re actually making them feel insecure in some way.
The Enemy Of Great, Is Good
When people are ‘good enough’ at something, they rarely become great at it. This can be said for dating as much as it can for health, finances, etc. All of the rich people that I know were once broke. All the really fit people that I know were once unhealthy. All of the guys that I know who are great with women, were once shit (me included). So if you are terrible with women, take comfort in the fact that your terribleness has sent you looking for answers, and those answers will likely help you to overshoot your mark and become way better than average. No, getting better with women will not completely fix you – in fact, if you use it to just band aid over deeper issues, it can actually make you worse – but either way, it will send you hurdling down a path of personal development. And what better path is there to be on?
There are plenty of guys out there in amazing relationships who never had to learn any of this. They met someone, settled down and they’re sorted for life. Awesome. But if you’re annoyed or saddened that this just didn’t just happen for you – don’t be. There’s nothing wrong with you if it didn’t work out, the same way there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t know how to approach and meet women. We were never taught any of this. And most/all people carry the subconscious emotional wounds of their parents and grandparents. You were taught how to interact with the opposite sex from your parents, and they were from their parents, and again, most of that is deep in your subconscious. So some guys are naturally great with women, some guys (most guys) are not. There’s a big difference between just having a girlfriend and being good with women. Some people just attract relationships easily, others do not. Some of you reading may be completely socially hopeless, whereas some of you might already be confident, popular, and are just wanting a little bit more.
Again, even the most confident of guys most often still can’t go out and meet the women that they want to. Most guys will meet 3-4 women in their lives, have a couple of girlfriends, and marry someone that they like. Great. But I’m reminded of the quote “The enemy of the great, is the good”. As I said, there are some amazing relationships out there, but there are also many that are not. So if it didn’t work out for you, rather than being bitter, realise that you now have the choice to become more and do more than you would have if things had worked out for you in this area.
The Rug Of Society
If you’re just a nice normal guy who isn’t interested in meeting a lot of women – that’s completely fine. I want to explain why this article might still be very important for you.
When you’ve been doing this for as long as I have, you really do see ‘under the rug’ (so to speak) of dating in society. You really see what goes on underneath the polite veneer that people present to the world. You see a lot of cheating (men and women), a lot of people trying to ‘upgrading’ partners, you see girls saying that they want X while running off with Z, you see one guy who is desperate for a girlfriend unable to get a date while another guy who doesn’t want a relationship fending off women. You see one person happy in a relationship, thinking that all is going well, and then you see their partner giving you a cheeky smile. Or you find out days later that she has a boyfriend. You see a lot of people dissatisfied in their relationships but unable to do anything about it because they don’t know how to meet anyone else, etc.
I really don’t want to sound jaded in any way here, I actually find the dating world and all of its intricacies amazing and beautiful. And I certainly am not judging anyone’s behaviour, I believe that a lot of people are just unknowingly battling their biology (which I’ll go over upcoming articles). As I mentioned, there are plenty of people out there in fantastic relationships, but there are also many relationships in which I feel that the man or woman would bail on his/her partner in a second if they had the knowhow to meet someone else. There is the quote “People are as faithful as their options” which I agree with to some extent.
“Woh woh woh WOH!” you must be thinking right now. You bought this lovely dating and personal development book hoping to learn some cool things to help you meet a nice girl, and here I am dumping all of this on you! Calm – I have a reason. I just want you to really understand why I think that it’s important to get good (or at least above average) in this area, even if you’re not a ‘ladies-man’ and just want a relationship. That’s because I don’t want you being that insecure guy who never feels good enough for his girlfriend. I don’t want you being the guy at home thinking that his sweet girlfriend is just out with her friends while she is really telling some other guy in a bar “We shouldn’t be doing this”. I don’t want you being in love with your best friend, but having to hear the stories of her dick boyfriends. I don’t want you dating a girl that you’re not attracted to, or even interested in, simply because you couldn’t do better (and I don’t want that for the women out there either). I don’t want you being the guy on the couch swiping Tinder and getting excited every time he matches with a profile, only to find that it’s a spam bot. I don’t want you putting up with bad behaviour in a relationship because your self-esteem is shot to shit.
What I do want for you is choice, freedom, self-assurance and confidence. I want your future girlfriend to look at you and think “Wow, I got him!” I want you to date a girl (or girls) that you really like. And I want you to fucking love yourself. I want you to really know the value that you offer people and your partner. I don’t want you to wonder “What if”. I want you to live the life that you want to live. And if you want a relationship, I want you to have a great one.
The Path Is The Same
Some of you reading this article will enjoy casual/open dating and meeting multiple women. I am one of these guys, and I have been for the last decade. So if that’s you – I want to teach you how to do so in a way that you stay congruent with yourself, and also stay respectful and honest with the women that you date. But if that’s not you, and you’re here hoping to get the skills to just meet one nice ‘wife-material’ girl, or even to just be able to talk to women or to have better dates, then this path is still going to be the same. So many guys discount this whole area entirely because they read some horrible thing about “pick up artists”, or they saw some guy once approach badly in a bar. They think that their desire for one true love is above all of that. Ironically, I often see these guys lose their girls to guys who are players. I don’t want you to be a player. You don’t need to be. I want you to be you, and I want you to get what you want. But I also want you to grow into the best you – the attractive you, the confident you, the you that can honestly think “if she likes me, great, if not, no problem at all”. The aim of this article is to help you in all areas of your life, not just your dating life.
So even if some things in this article feel a bit like “pick-upy” for you, remember that that’s not my intention. When I ask you to go out and approach women for instance, this is legitimately the best way that I know to grow a man’s confidence. Again, I’ve coached some very confident men in some very esteemed careers, and I’ve seen even them squirm at the idea of approaching a woman in a supermarket. So it’s completely ok if it feels crazy to you, or daunting, or weird. My aim in the next several articles is to help you through that. And women certainly don’t mind you learning how to become better at approaching, conversation and dating. They’re out there having to deal with drunken idiots in bars and surprise dick pics online – so a friendly and charming guy saying hello in the fruit and veg section will be a nice change.
I just don’t want you thinking that this article is for people with more confidence or experience than you. I don’t want you thinking that this article is just for guys who want to be Casanova. Whatever you want, it’s the same path of learning. We’re using the same vehicle for your growth. If you do want a relationship, I can guarantee you that from learning this stuff and from undertaking this process, when you do get into a relationship, it’ll be with a woman that you choose rather than settle for, and it’ll likely be a much better relationship because of the growth that you had to undertake to get there. You’ll be more confident, more attractive, you’ll like and appreciate yourself more – so you’ll attract that same type of girl, rather than the nutcases that you tend to meet when you’re desperate and insecure. Like attracts like, so I want you to become a great guy to meet a great girl.
I’ve been offered big money to be a matchmaker for people and each time I’ve turned it down. Why? Because it’s the opposite of what I teach. I don’t want you to just meet a woman, I want you to become an awesome guy that is naturally attractive to women. You don’t have to be out there approaching women for the rest of your life for that, but if you’re currently struggling in dating, then you might need to commit the next few months to working on it.
So I hope that this puts to rest any concerns that you may have, and I hope that it inspires you to really give this a try. This might be for you, it might not be. You might be involved in this for a while, you might not be. You might just be reading this for some tips or out of curiosity. That’s fine too. Again, by just picking up this article, you’re already open to improving yourself and your life. And for that, you have my respect, regardless of what you do with the information.
“Why Don’t I Just Use Tinder?”
Every time I do an interview, I’m asked something along the lines of “Why is your job still necessary now that Tinder is so big?”. It makes me smile because Tinder actually helps me on the business front, because unfortunately it’s just another avenue that most men (and women) fail at. I know some guys who destroy Tinder, but 90% of men won’t ever get anything on there.
I actually think that Tinder, apps and online dating are really great tools. But the reality is that women are getting hit up so often via these channels, that they often won’t even see your message. For instance, an attractive girl on Tinder is likely getting matched by 95% of the men on there. And there are thousands of men on these apps in each city. So just imagine how many matches that is per day. By the time she checks her phone, she likely has another ten matches. That same girl in a bar however, might get approached three or four times on a night out (often badly), and significantly less through the day. So approaching in real life allows you to stand out, it’s the difference between her meeting your personality and her meeting a photo of you, and the internal growth that comes from approaching cannot be matched (nowhere near it) from online dating.
Personally, I don’t use Tinder or online dating not because I’m against it in any way (I actually encourage people to use both), but because I lead a very busy life and the input vs. output is just not worth it. In other words, if I’m in a bar for two hours, I’m coming home with a couple of phone numbers of really attractive women (and often enough, one of them is coming home with me). Or if I wander around the city for a couple of hours approaching, I’m also coming home with a few phone numbers. Whereas if I was on a dating app or website for two hours, I might get a couple of matches or messages, but likely from women that I’d not be interested in seeing/dating.
So if you’re using Tinder or online, awesome, but if you’re not getting much from it, I really suggest adding some actual approaching into the mix. It’ll take you a lot longer to get good at, and it’ll be much harder, but you’ll get way more results and way more personal development from it.
Starting today, and for at least the duration of this article, I want you to start meditating. This is really going to help you in so many ways – definitely with women, but also in your day-to-day life. I could do a whole other course on meditation, it has helped me that much.
Now, before you freak out, I don’t want you joining an ashram or anything, I just want you to start with 10 minutes a day. Everyone has 10 minutes a day spare, I don’t care how busy you are. And those 10 minutes will make the rest of your day much more productive, so you’re actually saving time. If a doctor told you that you were ill and needed to do something every day for 10 minutes to save your life, you’d find the time.
It doesn’t matter what time of day you meditate (I do it as soon as I wake up generally, to get it out of the way), what matters most is consistency, and that you commit to doing it every day. This is where that self-discipline starts to come in. You change your life one small discipline at a time, and if you can’t discipline yourself to do something with proven benefits for just 10 minutes a day, then what’re the chances that you are going to be able to commit to going out and meeting women?
Meditation will help you in so many ways, so I highly suggest that you research it more. In short, it will help you with women by teaching you to be more in the moment, to not be so consumed by your thoughts, your vibe will be much better, your mood will be better, you will read women getter, you will be more self-aware and self-confident – the list goes on and on. And there’s plenty of science to back it all up. Meditation literally improves your brain.
How To Do It?
Simply sit comfortably on the floor or in a chair (ideally not lying down), then set a timer in your phone for just 10 minutes. You can do longer if you like, I do 20 minutes, but 10 minutes is a great starting point. Then sit quietly, comfortably, with your eyes closed, and just wait for the alarm to go off. Yep, that’s it
I hear all the time “I don’t know how to meditate”. That’s because people expect meditation to be some amazing sensation or a complete emptiness of thoughts. No, meditation is just taking time to relax and be with your mind, and conditioning yourself to sit still without stimulation. It’s about being aware of your thoughts, and just letting your mind settle. Maybe it will settle, maybe it won’t – it depends on the day. It’s about conditioning your mind to be a bit more present and to let concerns come and go. Overtime, you’ll feel much more at peace.
You will have a lot of thoughts come up, especially when you’re new. That’s fine. Just let them come up. Don’t try to be empty minded. You will think, that’s normal. Just see the thoughts and let them go. Don’t hold on to anything. Ultimately, just wait for the 10 minutes to pass, even if your mind is going crazy.
You can just sit with your mind (mindfulness meditation), watching thoughts come and go, which is what I do, or you can focus on your breathing, which helps many people, or you could do a mantra meditation (transcendental meditation), which is repeating a word or phrase over and over in your mind. Again, what is most important is not how you do it, but that you commit to it as a daily practice. Trying it once or twice or doing it here and there is about as helpful as going to the gym here and there (i.e. nothing will happen).
So even if you feel that it’s wasted time, I really suggest that you to commit to this every day while you’re reading this article. I can’t make you of course, and nor would I want to, but if you committed to this for 30 days, you’d see real tangible benefits. Even from just a few sessions, you might notice some changes – maybe even just some more clarity throughout your day.
You have 10 minutes spare, and this is a great way to spend them. I’ll be adding to this exercise soon, so I start today.
We will going more in detail in the upcoming articles so stay tuned.