Should You Become Friends With Her After Breakup
This is such an important part of this whole process of getting over a break up that I am still tempted to make this into a separate articles series itself.
I think one of the biggest issues guys have is really realizing how truly important this area of their life is. Women on the other hand, most of the time intuitively get how truly important having many meaningful strong connections with friends truly is.
Over and over again, with guys that I have interviewed I began to notice a pattern emerging.
Most of these guys would lose contact with many of their friends when things were going really well with their girlfriends. To some degree this is normal when we really start falling in love with someone…our focus turns to them and we are drawn to spending as much time as possible with them.
But guys over do this one in many cases. What I saw over and over was guys who had a few good friends, maybe a couple of best friends, many of whom they would lose touch with. Then they would have their coworkers, whom they would spend a lot of their time with.
When in a relationship these guys would often let many of their friends fall off the map, and often they would not be actively be out there trying to make new friends.
Put bluntly, making new friends has to become part of your lifestyle, whether you have a girlfriend or not. Not only should it part of your lifestyle, it should in general be priority for you.
Put simply, the more strong friendships you have in your life, the more:
At a very deep level feel a sense of security and belonging.
You meet a deep emotional need to connect with others.
Power and influence you have over others.
Leverage and resources you have to achieve what you want in life.
The more you will constantly meet more people who are potential good friends.
As a side bonus, more attractive, desirable women will come into your life that will be a good fit for you.
Friend or Frenemy?
Most of us have had a strong friendship with someone and we know what it is like to have a “best friend”. But let’s be clear about what a really good friendship is in the first place.
You can go to a bar together, not talk to any girls or anyone else and have an awesome time together.
You can call this person at odd times of the day and night and tell them completely random things and it’s completely normal, and expected almost.
You would trust this person with any of your pass codes, pins or anything you have of value.
You can list this person as an emergency contact.
This person would sit in a waiting room somewhere with you.
This person calls you to tell they have met a girl they think would be perfect for you.
You can spend hours talking almost to the point of being nauseous.
They can tell very quickly what kind of a mood you are in just by your tone (this I have found is a talent many female friends tend to have).
You could show up at their house unannounced pretty much anytime you felt like.
They are the first people to know about all the important events in your life.
They are genuinely happy for you when good things happen to you.
Now ask yourself, how many people like this do you know? One? Two? Five?
I have some dismal news for you. The average American male is his 20-30’s has 0.75 people he considers to be “close confidants.”
0.75. I don’t even quite know what that means exactly (I suppose that’s like the average of 1.5 kids) but it can’t be a good thing.
What would your life be like if you had 5 times as many of these kinds of friends that you do now? Is that kind of hard to imagine?
To give this another angle, ask yourself how much less devastating would your last break up have been if you had this many close relationships in your life? Think about it.
What would it take for you to make more of these friendships in your life? What would you have to do, where could you go, on a regular basis to make this a reality?
It seems strange to most people. All of us at some level really want to have lots of close friends and meaningful relationships, but we don’t know what to do about it. Most of us think it should just happen naturally.
In sense, to some people it does happen naturally. But it is because they have habits, ways of looking at the world and interacting with people that they have had so long, that it comes naturally to them.
How Popular People See The World
I heard something a couple of years ago that I remember had really confused me at the time. It was a quote from Einstein;
“The most important question that a person can ask is… (drum roll) … Is the universe a friendly place?”
The first time I heard this I remember thinking…What? That’s the most important question? I wrote it off, thinking it was pretty silly until last year a mentor of mine explained it to me.
The idea here is, your answer to that question effects your perspective on everything. This becomes especially true when you interact with people.
A person who really believes the answer to this question is yes will walk through life expecting people to be friendly, interesting, trust worthy, etc.
As a result, people will often actually become that way around them. It’s definitely an interesting phenomenom, and I’m not sure why that is, though I speculate that we often unconsciously fill the roles and expectations people having for us. Psychology is buzzing these days with all kinds of experiments that are showing this to be true.
Now on the other hand, as result of upbringing, conditioning, past experiences many people walk through life expecting people to be standoff-ish, unfriendly, selfish, etc.
This assumption does a few really insidious things. First of all it causes people to unconsciously treat others as if this is all true, and then what happens? You guessed it. The people they meet begin to act in a way that meets the expectations of them.
Something else comes into play here too. If you assume things about people, your mind begins to filture out any evidence that contradicts your assumptions.
So what do you end up doing? You not only act in a way that brings out bad qualities in people, but you also have a filter on that causes you to focus on those things as well.
Sounds pretty dismal doesn’t it? In fact it should sound very similar to some of the behavior I described in the loneliness article.
Now, take the time to stop and ask yourself that question. Is the universe a friendly place for you?
Go further and ask yourself these questions too.
When you meet new people, how do you assume they are going to act? Do you look to find what is interesting and what you have in common with people as soon as you meet them? Do you treat every new interaction as the potential start of new friendship?
This is another perspective shift, that will really make a huge difference in how fast you make more friends.
Many people think that relationships are all about give and take.
To really be the guy who attracts amazing people into your life, you have to adopt the mindset of someone who gives value where ever they go.
Now what does this mean exactly? Does mean you have to become the guy who buys everyone drinks and pays for everything? Well it can, but it’s not what I’m talking about here.
What is “value” then? Value can be…
Being the guy who introduces people to new friends.
Knowing where all the cool events, parties, shows are.
Genuinely making people feel good about themselves.
Introducing people to new ideas, teaching them things that are helpful.
Helping them achieve things they want to achieve in their life.
Being a good listener and really wanting to know who they are and what they are about.
Being there when they need help, and doing things proactively when they need help but won’t ask for it.
Being genuinely excited for someone else’s success.
If giving of some kind of value all the time just becomes part of who you are, then you will begin to attract people in your life very quickly. It may start slowly but it will begin to have a snowball effect.
But this has to become your whole way of dealing with people all the time. Yes there will be people around you who may take more and not give, and you can handle those accordingly, but don’t let that sway you. The benefits of the this mode of operating are much bigger than the losses you might have to take here and there.
Make it your general rule to give and not keep tabs, and to not expect anything in return. So basically you have to go from the “give back” mentality to the “just give” all the time.
The Time Ahead
Remember the part in previous articles when I mentioned that learning this stuff really changed the way I date, and ultimately the whole way I relate to women?
It may very well just be my personality, but I happen to feel like I can tell very quickly if a girl is special to me. I am a bit of a romantic type, I’ll admit it.
The problem was that as soon as it was clear that I was dealing with one of these rare girls that I liked a whole lot, there would be a part of me that would immediately start to fear the pain of losing her.
This often caused me to do a laundry list of things that weren’t natural and that really stifled my ability to connect with her in the first place.
The freedom I feel now really comes from the fact that I really know that no matter what happens, everything will be okay.
Fear of loss, heartbreak or rejection is no longer a significant part of the equation for me, and although it’s kind of hard to explain, this ironically frees me up to have more meaningful connections with people I date.
Ultimately, this is what I really want for you. The confidence that comes from knowing that you have the ability to bounce back from anything that comes your way, if you can deal with a heartbreak as profound as this one, you’ll be able to overcome the fear of rejection that makes dating a nightmare for so many men.
There is a freedom that comes with the knowledge that you can recover from any breakup no matter how painful.
Now that you’ve read this this and other articles you are probably feeling 2 very different things at the same time.
On one hand you might be excited that you have a new array of tools and perspectives to help you through your break-up. And of course there is the daunting feeling of having to go through all of it in the first place.
Let me know how it goes.