Simple Techniques To Help You Overcome Approach Anxiety
In this article we will be learning some powerful and yet simple to use psychological techniques to help you overcome approach anxiety. Let’s read what masters have to say.
I don’t get approach anxiety anymore. One of the biggest things that I did to get rid of it was to act like a complete jackass. If you go out and literally act like you are on the show Jackass, this is an extremely valuable exercise. I was recently in San Diego and there was this girl lying on a lawn and I went and lay down and I put my arm around her – a complete stranger. Then 10 minutes later a guy was walking with a box and I went up to that guy and told him I needed that box and took that box. So you need to become an actor.
When you become an actor, it’s almost like you are an outside observer. You are just a scientist watching this whole equation and all of that anxiety goes completely out the window, all of that is completely gone, because I am just watching it.
It’s the one-two punch. Most guys focus way too much on approach anxiety and the reason is because it’s really crippling sometimes and it takes over your mind and it can totally ruin your night when it’s really strong and when you feel it all the time. I personally do not get approach anxiety that much. Sometimes it creeps up for seemingly no reason, but usually it’s because I’ve had a really quiet day where I’ve been buried in my computer or business or paperwork or something very logical and I’m not feeling particularly social and I happen to run into somebody who looks very attractive or who maybe I’m crushing on or something like that.
But normally I don’t feel it and the reason is because I’m social with everyone. This is what I would recommend: when you’re going through your day, don’t just look for attractive girls to talk to. If you talk to the maintenance guy in your building, the people who work at your front desk, the delivery guys you see in the hallway, your neighbors, the old people on the subway, the young kids you see running around, your taxi driver, – if you’re social with all those people regardless of actually having an interest in them or not, if you actually strike up conversations with people and you’re not seeking any value or validation from them, you’ll start to become social automatically. Then when you start to meet lots of attractive women, it’s just going to be an extension of that. You’re not going to feel nervous because you’ve practiced. You’ve been talking all day already and you’re already in a social mood.
This is going to sound a little bit strange but I am sure I still have it, I am sure it’s still there, but I have learned how to approach before it kicks in. That’s something that has taken a lot of practice, but I have trained myself to start talking to her before anything else; before any anxiety kicks in, before a thought even starts in my brain, I am talking to her. I am walking up and talking to her. That is a great skill and that is something that anyone can learn, but it does take some practice and a few other tricks that I have cultivated.
Approach anxiety is normal and it’s always going to be there in my view. I don’t do approaches anymore. I haven’t in a long time because I have a relationship and I’m devoted to that, and I really don’t have any interest in approaching women.
At a certain point my lifestyle and social circle got so vital and thriving and interesting that I didn’t really need to do approaches anymore and I learned that approaching is kind of beginner level stuff. With that in mind, if you are looking to approach a woman and you don’t have approach anxiety, you probably shouldn’t approach her because there’s nothing on the line and if there’s nothing on the line you shouldn’t waste your time doing it.
It’s a self-esteem thing. The way you get used to it is you get some skills that you can use as training wheels. Routines or lines are fine in this instance to basically get you moving and get you active.
Eventually you want to drop all that stuff and not be so mechanical. But first you learn a few techniques and then you walk through the anxiety. You have to be willing to take a chance, and if you can do that a few times you will train your body to get used to the chemicals that fire when you’re standing in front of a very beautiful woman and talking to her.
There is no other way to learn how to do that then to do just it, but be sure to take a few skills with you along the way because there’s plenty of people like me and others who have kind of blazed this trail a bit and we have some things to offer that can help you be a little more successful from the start.
The only way to manage it is to conquer it. Like anything in life, don’t accept doubt. I don’t like all these hippie ideas that are out there in the community sometimes: “Oh, you know just accept it and fuck up in life.” No, don’t go in there with that mentality. Go in there with a mentality of:
“No, I’m going to beat this negative energy inside me and I’m actually going to conquer this energy and the way I’m going to do that is by talking to hot girls all the time and I’m going to make myself comfortable in those situations.”
Just conquer that energy. It’s a part of you, it’s arising and it’s something you want to change. It’s something that’s totally within your will to change. So you have to deal with it. Don’t accept it or embrace it like most people say. You actually deal with it. This isn’t an energy you like, right? Why do you want to be tense and nervous? Why are you anxious about doing the purest thing in the world: going up to a girl you find attractive? So conquer that energy, change it, and make it into good. Energy is fluid, man, you can always change it.
I never really got approach anxiety. I had approach anxiety I think at my first-ever boot camp, and it went away very quickly because I was doing all these crazy openers. And even though I’m married, I make sure that I keep talking to people to ensure that it doesn’t creep back in. I get that feeling, that sensation, what we could call approach anxiety, but it is under control now after so many years of doing so many approaches. It really just doesn’t bother me. I’m very comfortable going up and talking to absolutely anybody at anytime.
The way I control it is actually a very set process. The minute I feel anything even close to approach anxiety kicking in, I force myself to start walking. I don’t focus on talking or anything else, I just start by moving my feet. One foot in front of the other and I slowly move towards the person who I want to talk to. At this point, I start having social anxiety because I’m bringing myself closer and closer to where I’m about to have to do it. And then eventually I put myself in the situation where it is sink or swim. Either I’m going to speak, or I’m just going to stand there like a loser staring, and of course, that almost always prompts me to start talking. And that’s the only thing that I ever needed to do to get over it. I really do think approach anxiety is one of those things, if you just keep doing it you’re going to find that it disappears very fast.
I don’t feel anxiety anymore. Most guys, when they’re afraid of approaching a girl it is because they’re unprepared. They don’t know what they’re going to say. They don’t know how to continue the conversation. And the secret really is being prepared and having something to say. It’s not just starting the conversation, it’s keeping it going, but also making it interesting – keeping it light, fun and interesting.
A lot of guys do have issues with keeping the conversation going, that her interest is going to wane and she’s just going to walk off in mid-sentence, which by the way, never happens. So it just comes down to being prepared, guys, and knowing exactly what you’re going to say, how you’re going to say it. Practice it in front of the mirror. I know it sounds a little strange to say that. Close the door to your room, find somewhere private, somewhere quiet where you’re not going to be disturbed and practice your conversations. I used to do this before I went out.
And you notice any good comedian? He does the exact same thing. When I was in New York, I probably saw about 4 or 5 comedy shows, and I thought they were fantastic. Now, what you don’t see behind the scenes is that they’re preparing nonstop. If you walk in the Green Room at the back, they are saying their lines over and over again, so when they come out, it looks so natural and looks so ad lib, and it looks like they are naturally funny people, but really they’re not. They are just normal people like us, but they just know how to tell good stories.