Top Pickup Artists On How To Beat The Fear Of Rejection
Once again, in this article some of the most successful pickup artists will be teaching you how to beat the fear of rejection and start approaching women in real life.
Alex Coulson Advice
It comes down to reputation and practice. When you first go to the gym, you don‟t start lifting 100 kilos on the bench press. You work gradually up to the level you want to get to. You‟re making small steps. Go to the mall, the coffee shops and bookstores and start by making eye contact with girls you see in the street or walking around the shopping mall.
Don‟t do crazy eye contact where you just stare at the girl and not blink – that‟s kind of scary. Just make eye contact for three seconds and look away. And then maybe a few days later, maybe next week, make eye contact and then maybe ask a question, ask for directions, or ask for a recommendation for a book or something. Don‟t try and pick the girl up.
Take it in small steps. The first time you approach a woman, when she gives you her answer, just excuse yourself and say, “Thanks,” and walk away. And then maybe the week after that, ask someone for directions, and then tell a story.
For instance, you could say: “Thanks for the directions. You know, I just noticed your shoes, actually. My sister wanted some just like those. She dragged me around four hours last week trying to find the exact same ones.” And just continue the conversation.
Maybe the week after you can also ask a girl for her phone number or say, “Listen, I‟m going to grab a coffee, why don‟t you join me. I‟m going to Five & Spare. Come and join me.”
That‟s probably the best way to overcome the fear of rejection. You‟ve got to realize that nothing bad is going to happen. She‟s not going to slap you in the face. She‟s not going to tell you to f-off. What really stops guys with the fear of rejection are four things.
The first thing is fear of verbal confrontation. We‟re afraid the girl is going to tell us to f-off or scream. Or we are afraid of physical confrontation that she is going to slap us or get her big football player boyfriend to beat us up. Third, we are afraid of the rejection (itself). Last, we‟re afraid of embarrassment: We‟re afraid of opening a girl at a bus stop and getting rejected when there are 10 people waiting for the bus and we have to stay and wait for our bus. So take it in small steps.
Bobby Rio Offers Advice
One of the things that really helped me was a concept I call “chunking it down.” Often the whole process of approaching a girl becomes really overwhelming. Not only do we risk rejection on the opener, but then we risk running out of things to say after that and not knowing if she is interested and if we should keep talking. So there are all these things going through our minds.
I almost think that the fear of rejection is more of a fear of the unknown, a fear of the whole process.
“Chunking it down” means you take each part of the approach and bring it to one sole thing. So your opening becomes just your opening and that‟s all you‟re worried about: “My only goal right now is to start a conversation.” And you get good at starting a conversation. You can‟t really get rejected starting a conversation. I mean, the conversation may not go the way you wanted it to go, but very rarely will a woman just flat out turn her back on you.
Once you get good at starting a conversation, then you can say, “Now, my objective is to quickly move into a topic that we‟re both enjoying or a topic that builds attraction.” And then once you‟ve nailed that down, you say, “OK, now I want to figure out some physical escalation. I want to get good at touching her.”
By “chunking it down,” you basically break it apart and you don‟t worry about the other things until you get good at the first one.
So the first one is just actually walking up and saying, “Hey.” You determine how you‟re going to open a conversation and you don‟t worry about follow-up. You don‟t worry about touching her. You don‟t worry about getting her phone number, any of those things. You only focus on one aspect of the pick-up at a time.
Brad Jackson Offers Advice
Face it and reframe it. Most guys aren‟t afraid of rejection once the girl gets to know them; they‟re really afraid of rejection BEFORE the girl gets a chance to know them. They‟re afraid that because they don‟t look like Brad Pitt or can‟t approach suavely like James Bond that the girl won‟t like them.
Girls might reject you for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you. It can be what‟s going on in their head or the timing – or it could be you. But it doesn‟t matter, because SOMEWHERE is a girl who is ready and unless you try, you‟ll never find her.
Additionally, remember this, I forget who said it: “Everybody is fighting their own quiet battle of desperation.” Every girl out there – hell, every guy – is battling something, whether it‟s an external situation or something self conscious. Realize that and have empathy for them. Then act as if you‟re true intent is to connect with her as a person and not JUST a sexual conquest. I‟m not saying get all “sissy” but realize that she‟s a person with problems and you might be somebody who can make her life better. You‟re the gift. She might not realize that every day‟s her birthday.
Brent Smith: Offers Advice
There were two things that I did to overcome the fear of rejection. First, I reframed the rejection in my mind. I kept telling myself over and over again: Rejection means nothing. It‟s nothing personal. I have to change my energy and take responsibility; rejection actually comes from me. In fact, that‟s the first place that I look: is it me? And then if it‟s not me, I don‟t take it personally and I understand that.
So when I‟m at home thinking about it (inner game), I have reframed my story: So everybody is happy to see me, everyone is excited, and if there happens to be a chick who is not in a good mood, I think “Do you know what? I sent you the best energy.” I move on with my day. I‟m totally carefree, and I‟ll just go to the next person. And I think that really helped me because I used to take it really personally, like every guy does. I thought it must be me. Or, of course, you project on them: “Oh, they‟re mean, or all those hot girls are like that or stuff like that.” So that‟s how it happens when I‟m out in the moment.
I just don‟t take it personally. I understand that people have problems. They have issues, and they have stuff that I don‟t even know about that‟s going on in their life. So I don‟t hold it against them and I just move forward. It takes practice, though. You‟ve got to do it over and over again.
Carlos Xuma Offers Advice
All fear really has its roots in the unknown. What I’ve taught guys through the years is how to remove as many of the variables as possible, so they can feel more confident. Rejection is not always in your control. But you can control how much you need to not be rejected. You‟ve got to remember – and you guys really need to understand this – you don’t play the game to not lose, you play to win. That’s how all great sports team‟s play. That’s how all great performers in every area of life play. They play the game to win. Not to lose. So overcoming the fear of rejection is really an inner game hurdle, and it’s very easy to overcome just by simple preparation: knowing what you’re going to do and what you are going to say in advance. Plan it out a little bit and have it ready to go, ready to rock and roll.
Christian Hudson Offers Advice
You never really overcome the fear of rejection, but you do overcome your rejection of yourself. You don’t know what’s going on in a woman’s head when you walk up to her. You don’t know what she is going to say to you. You don’t know what she’s looking for in her life, or any of the conditions that surround that moment when you see her. If you are thinking – “Oh no, she’s not going to like me. You know, she’s going reject me” – then change that conversation in your head.
Change it to: “I don’t know anything about what’s going on this woman’s life, but I know that there are things that I could bring her in terms of who I am, what I can bring out of her, and who I can be in her life. There’s a whole lot that I want to learn about her and I just don’t know what could happen until I walk up and say those first words.”
Now, obviously having a skill set that supports your ability to introduce yourself is very important, but ultimately the fear of rejection is a belief that you hold about where she is in the world relative to you. And you just don’t know any of those things. There’s no specific story I can think of, but there are countless woman I’ve approached after saying to myself, “You know, she’s not going to want to talk to me.” And then I pushed past that and I just told myself, “I don’t know anything about her. She may like me. She may like blond guys. She may like brunette guys. You know, she may like guys who are tall, who are short, who are skinny, or who are fat. I just don’t know until I go talk to her.” In so many cases, a woman is more than happy to talk to you if you approach her in the right way. So really it is about not rejecting yourself first and allowing for the possibilities of anything happening with you and her.